Fourth Order: Descended
by Follow-ur-Shadow
Summary: Elizabeth tries to deal with the repercussions of unascending while John struggles to find a balance between his new role as leader, the need to support her and his own feelings of guilt.
1. Chapter 1

Fourth Order: Descended

 **Category** : Angst/Drama/Hurt Comfort/Romance

 **Pairing** : Sparky

 **Summary** : Elizabeth tries to deal with the repercussions of unascending while John struggles to find a balance between his new role as leader, the need to support her and his own feelings of guilt.

 **Warnings** : Spoilers for the Legacy book series.

 **Disclaimer** : Own nadda, nothing!

 **Authors Notes** : This is set directly after Legacy: The Third Path

(book spoilers)

It picks up with Elizabeth back on Atlantis undergoing tests, John and Teyla returning from Earth after relocating Ford and includes some of the new characters. You don't need to read the book to follow the plot but there are a few small references thrown in :) Thanks for reading! xx

* * *

John exited the stargate feeling a sense of relief as his boots landed on the familiar tiled floor of the Atlantean gateroom. He heard Teyla step through a second later and the wormhole disengaging urged him forward to greet Lorne.

" _Major-_ " he acknowledged the man, glancing up and around the large open space, "looks like the city's still standing."

"Floating, actually Sir." Evan corrected him shifting his attention to the Athosian leader. She seemed amused by the comment and he met her gaze with a warm nod, "it's good to have you both back, how was the Milky Way?"

John scrubbed a hand up through his hair too tired to embellish the trip. Seeing Ford off had been a relief but the paperwork he'd left behind had turned into a bureaucratic nightmare. Still, they'd managed to get two of their people home and in his opinion that was worth a headache from the IOA. "Stargate Command sends their regards but honestly... I think they were pretty glad to see the back of us. How's Doctor Weir settling in?"

Evan produced a folder and passed it to him with a relaxed smile. He'd anticipated the question and was relieved to be able to deliver good news for once. "Suffering a little cabin fever but she seems to be taking it all in her stride. So far the tests have come back clean, nothing to suggest she's a threat."

John nodded as he skimmed the information. He'd been following her progress on Earth but it wasn't the same as actually being here and guilt knotted in his stomach as he closed the file, handing it back over with a sharp sigh. "Is she still in the infirmary?"

"Yes Sir." He confirmed, eyes darting to Teyla when she subtly motioned towards the door. It took him a moment to understand but the air of tension surrounding Sheppard was enough to help him decipher the hint. "If you're heading that way I know she'd appreciate a breather."

Teyla bowed slightly, thanking him for the gentle nudge. Even though John hadn't openly admitted his concern she'd sensed it had been a heavy burden during their time on Earth and she encouraged him to act upon the suggestion. "You should go. I can inform the others of our arrival."

Technically the debrief was his responsibility but her raised eyebrow stopped him from arguing. The level of tact was appreciated and he turned back to the Major with a quick nod towards the control room, "think you can handle things for a little why longer?"

"Yes Sir." Lorne fought the sudden smirk tugging at his lips, "I'll write it up as overtime."

"Good, in that case if you'll both excuse me." He ducked to the side stealing a deep breath as he moved passed them. Normally he would have engaged the banter but his mind was too preoccupied and his feet pushed towards the exit in an attempt to conceal his nerves. He didn't know if it was excitement or fear but adrenaline fulled the journey, only wavering at the last turn when he spotted the marine on duty outside the infirmary.

John slowed his approach signaling with a sharp nod, "Lieutenant."

He didn't wait for a response, moving around the solider to find his gaze drawing to the sole occupant of the room. She was perched on one of the infirmary beds, her legs dangling aimlessly above the ground and he stalled feeling his pulse quicken as she glanced up. For a moment he didn't say anything, his mouth too dry to form the words but after what felt like an eternity a soft 'hey' managed to escape.

Elizabeth smiled warmly, relief flooding her body as she pushed an equally gentle 'hi' in response. It had only been two weeks but the quick reunion and rushed goodbye on Earth hadn't been nearly enough and her lips quirked at the slight awkwardness. It was strangely comforting and she slipped off the bed letting her feet lightly touch down on the floor.

The brief hesitation combined with the distance between them tightened his chest and instinct kicked his feet forward until he was standing in front of her. She looked almost the same, the differences from three years ago barely distinguishable, but the physical resemblance didn't ease his concern. He'd been burnt by that mistake before and even though he knew it was real this time, he had no way of knowing just how much she'd been effected by the trauma she'd been through.

"You okay?"

The words feeling inadequate as they hovered between them and when she parted her lips to answer his body reacted first, gripping her firmly and pulling her against his chest. His mind chided the action but he ignored the warning as he squeezed her tightly. He'd spent too long with easily preventable regrets and he inhaled slowly breathing in the unexpected comfort.

Elizabeth relaxed, surprised by a sudden wave of emotion that caught in her chest. Her memories were still muddy, coming and going without warning but her instincts were growing stronger and she felt a small stab of disappointment when he loosened his grip.

"Sorry _._ " He offered the halfhearted apology, staying just inside of her reach as he let go. He wanted to follow up with a reason for the impulsiveness but the words failed and he ran a hand up through his hair instead.

"Don't be." She sensed his embarrassment and offered a smile, "it felt... _nice_."

He nodded, deliberately avoiding her gaze as he struggled with the moment. The whole situation felt surreal, like something he'd dreamed up a million times but the reality was vastly different from the ones he'd imagined. Guilt combined with fear had never breached his scenarios and he swallowed roughly tying to force down the lump in his throat. "I caught Jackson on my way out... he said the memory thing could take some time."

The causal comment didn't match the concern in his voice and she tried to discourage the frown threatening her response. She'd been lucky to have Daniel's support but his return to Earth had been difficult and she tried to draw from the Doctor's parting optimism. "Not exactly a walk in the park... but I'll get there."

The honesty made him feel dangerously out of his depth but he squared his shoulders against the wave of inadequacy. He wasn't going to run at the first hurdle no matter how far out of his comfort zone it was and he shoved his hands in his pockets glancing up at her again. "How would you feel about busting out of here for a while?"

Her lips curved slightly at the suggestion. She'd give almost anything to escape the perpetual boredom of the infirmary but the lines creasing his expression highlighted his exhaustion and she decided against taking him up on the offer. "I'm fine really, you don't have to-"

"Lieutenant," he called out over his shoulder ignoring her attempt to be polite. He knew what it was like to be stuck staring at four white walls and when the marine appeared in the doorway he didn't give her a chance to argue, "take a break Reynolds, I'll have Doctor Weir back in an hour."

The solider saluted and he held out his arm motioning for her to take the lead, "after you..."

She sensed it was non-negotiable and her lips formed a soft smile as she took point, swallowing the remnants of guilt and finding comfort in the drawn out cooridoor. It was instantly gratifying and she breathed out as they fell into a relaxed pace. "Thank you, I guess I was going a bit stir crazy in there."

He nodded and she suspected he understood the frustration, recalling at least half a dozen fuzzy accounts of times he'd been injured and confined to the infirmary. They were unsettling to linger on and she turned her thoughts back to recent events instead. "How was Ford? Did he manage to get settled in okay?"

"Better than expected." He confirmed wishing her transition had been as straight forward. The decision to return to Atlantis should have been voluntary, even if part of him was selfishly relived to have her back, and he scrubbed a hand up through his hair trying to mask his annoyance. "He said he'd see you when the IOA finally pull their heads out of their asses."

She chuckled at the comment comforted by the string of memories surrounding the former Lieutenant. They weren't there in full yet but she could recall his eager enthusiasm making her feel grateful at least one of them had been allowed to stay. "It's a shame I couldn't spend more time with him."

John swallowed roughly in agreement, bending around the familiar turn up towards the control room. The destination was a case of old habits dying hard and a wave of nostalgia tugged his chest as he addressed the hint of regret in her voice. "I'm sorry... I know it hasn't been easy but I'm going to fix this. I'll put a fire under them if I have to."

The conviction was serious making her slightly more at ease with the situation, though in fairness Atlantis hadn't been a bad ultimatum. "At least they let me stay here, there are worse places to be stranded."

An image of the alpha site popped into his head but he quickly slammed it down as he followed her up the stairs. It didn't bear thinking about. She was in Atlantis and until the IOA made their decision that's where she was going to stay. "True-" he offered lightly, "you could be stuck on a desert planet with just McKay."

A chuckle caught in her throat at the relaxed banter, finding it a welcome respite. Lately every conversation circled around what she was thinking, how she was coping and relief touched her lips as she reached the middle landing first. "I'm glad you're here," she closed her hand over the rail as he caught up, "it didn't feel the same without you."

"Isn't that supposed to be my line?" The quip fell from his mouth but lost all traces of humor as he stopped beside her. The city had carried on without her and they'd found a way to move on but it hadn't been the same. _He_ hadn't been the same.

" _Maybe_..." she admitted, a shy smile replacing her hesitation, _"_ but all the same I... we missed you."

He swallowed roughly at the slip wishing he knew how to return the sentiment. He wasn't good with words and the weight of them felt foreign as he tried to navigate around what he wanted to say. "We missed you too... a lot, _I_ missed you a lot-" he forced his lips to curve hoping it was enough and felt a rush of relief when her expression softened in response.

The moment edged close to something that felt familiar, a slight awkwardness that never quite revealed itself and she inclined her head watching her footing as she pulled herself up to the next step and built on the momentum. He kept up, standing a little closer and she took comfort from the slight shift in his body language. "So... I hear Woolsey was in charge?"

He nodded finding his voice with a little more confidence as they climbed the remaining stairs. Even though he'd been initially wary of the IOA's decision he'd grown to respect the man and had been genuinely sorry when he'd been recalled back to Earth. "Turns out the guy wasn't so bad, who would've thought?"

A smile touched her lips as she recalled once defending Woolsey to him. It had been a long time ago and she was surprised the memory was so clear but it played in her head as they reached the control room and she raised an eyebrow in response. "Didn't I say that?"

"Sure... _that_ you remember." He made an indignant sound and the look she shot him slammed every one of his senses. It felt too familiar like she'd never been gone and it took all his willpower not to falter, swallowing cautiously as they politely made their way through the staff on duty to the large double doors leading out to the balcony. It seemed like the only appropriate destination and he swiped his hand watching her eyes light up as the endless horizon came into view. It was a reaction he hadn't seen since they'd first discovered the city and he followed her outside surprised by the response. "You've haven't been out here yet?"

She shook her head stealing a deep breath as the waves crashed beneath them. It was beautiful, surpassing the image she had in her memory and she relaxed as the sound washed over her. "Not quite as tranquil with a security detail for company."

A hint of frustration laced the comment and he empathized feeling his own annoyance at the IOA's unnecessary demands. They were making decisions based on a piece of paper flying around an office somewhere and he'd be damned if he was going to let them continue running miles without getting so much as an inch back in return. "You know what, screw 'em-" he brandished the remark with a firm resolve, "Carson says your fine that's good enough for me."

She glanced up a little shocked by the candidness and although relieved, she knew deep down it wasn't that simple. It wasn't just her sanity at stake. Ruffling feathers could seriously impact his career and she wasn't prepared to let him take that risk just yet. "I appreciate the offer but honestly I can wait them out."

"You shouldn't have to." He stretched his arms locking them in place as he gazed out over the ocean. He knew what she was doing, playing the diplomat in order to protect him, but that wasn't her job anymore. Now it was his. "If it wasn't for you I wouldn't even be in charge and besides they're probably going to find a permanent replacement soon anyway. I may as well go out swinging."

His determination made her blush and she ducked her head realizing he wasn't going to back down. It may have been reckless and ill thought out but it was also touching and she glanced up with a soft smile, "you're right, it's your call... and having your trust means a lot."

He shook off the gratitude fighting a spark of anger. She shouldn't need to justify herself, not to him or anyone else. If anything the IOA should be issuing _her_ an apology, though he doubted they'd see anything close to an official acknowledgment. "As far as I'm concerned they owe you not the other way around."

She stilled at the words, hesitating as they stirred a memory she couldn't quite place. It hadn't been her, not exactly, but flashes of her conscious almost destroying the city stabbed through mind and she reached up to her temple willing the onslaught to stop. It was like a floodgate had opened and she bit down hard on her lip trying to steady her racing pulse.

He felt her tense and angled towards her immediately concerned by her pinched expression. She looked like she was in pain and he reached out, flinching when she jerked away from the contact. "Hey... what's wrong?"

"I'm fine." Her voice wavered as she tried to make sense of the images. They were so distant like she was watching them through blurred glass and she breathed in sharply, scared but desperately needing the truth. "I nearly destroyed the city after I... that _was_ me, wasn't it?"

He didn't need to ask, he knew exactly what she talking about and the realization it had been her consciousness inside F.R.A.N's body made him sick to the stomach. He hadn't wanted to believe it but there was no way to deny it now and his fingers twitched nervously as he swallowed a rush of guilt. This wasn't about his failures it was about giving her closure and putting her needs ahead of his own. "You didn't know that what was going to happen, it wasn't your fault."

She shook her head refusing to buy into the dismissal. Atlantis had been endangered because of her actions, the threat had been real because of _her_ and she wondered if the IOA had been right to be so distrusting. If she'd been so easily lead, so able to manipulate-

"Elizabeth, listen to me-" his voice was firm as he edged closer trying to keep her from spiraling. He could read the panic in her eyes, the certainty that she was to blame and he tugged her wrist refusing to let her go there, "you sacrificed everything to protect Atlantis and I lost you _twice_ because of it. You have just as much right to this city as anyone, probably more, and you don't need to feel guilty for that." The slight catch in his throat gave away too much but he didn't let go needing to make sure she understood everything he was saying, "none of this was your fault and you're going to get through it, I promise."

She almost believed him something her old self would have done without question but she wasn't that person anymore. Instead she was an echo bouncing from memory to memory, trying to find something that might not even exist anymore. It terrified her but his steady gaze and the light pressure against her pulse reminded her to breathe. Whatever she'd lost she knew he could see it buried beneath the doubt and his confidence gave her hope.

She wasn't the same person but maybe, given enough time, she could be.

-X-


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

* * *

John rubbed his eyes trying to bring the document he was reading back into focus. There were still several mission reports to approve before the morning was over but the words had started blurring together and he craned his neck glancing at the inactive gate outside his office window. He'd take anything, even babysitting scientists, to alleviate his boredom but it was going to be days if not weeks before his schedule was clear enough to venture off-world.

A knock diverted his attention and he smiled warmly, his stomach doing a little flip as Elizabeth stuck her head through the door. He'd been back just over a week but seeing her was still a novelty, one he didn't think he'd ever grow tired of. "Please tell me you want your old job back?"

She raised an eyebrow at the deadpan tone and responded with a small smirk, "busy I take it?"

"To put it mildly." He lent back in the chair folding his arms behind his head as she crossed the short distance. He was slowly losing his mind and idly wondered if it would be exhaustion or boredom that sent him over the edge first.

"Unfortunately I don't think the IOA have me in the running..." she rounded the desk pressing her thigh against the corner as a smile tugged her lips. Initially she'd found it disorientating being on the other side of his authority but she was getting used to the idea. He was calmer than she remembered, more confident in command but his penchant for avoiding paperwork and dislike for bureaucracy were comfortingly familiar. "Still no word on a replacement I take it?"

He shook his head breathing out a sharp sigh. The IOA were dragging their heels, hesitant to make a decision about the post but he'd decided their indecision had come at a good time. It meant he was still in a position to fight for her reinstatement and that was enough incentive to keep him pushing papers around. "How about you, everything okay?"

His tone held a slightly rougher edge and she nodded appreciating the genuine concern. Since he'd gotten back he hadn't strayed far from her side, at worst keeping in touch via radio but even _then_ he seemed to show up again for meals or a late night debrief. The support had been unwavering despite his busy schedule and interference from the IOA, who were still demanding regular and consistent updates on her progress. "Carson is uploading a data-burst for the next transmission."

"Your test results?" He asked bringing his hand down to check his emails. It wasn't really a question that needed asking. He already knew the information hadn't differed from previous weeks but he still had to sign off on the release, a formality that was becoming increasingly frustrating.

"Still human..." she threw him a tight smile, "though at this point I'm starting to feel more like a human pin cushion." It wasn't Carson's fault. The Scottish doctor was trying his best to find the least invasive procedures possible but even he was starting to get fed up with their demands. In fact less than an hour ago he'd threatened to gate to earth so he could personally shove his medical degree up their-

"I'll push my recommendation again, this is getting ridiculous."

The comment broke her train of thought and she felt warmth spread across her cheeks as his fingers tapped down on the keyboard. "Thank you... I know they're not exactly the easiest to deal with."

He didn't know if his influence would hold much weight, it hadn't so far but the personal emails he'd received from O'Neill suggested things were moving in the right direction. The good news, the draft proposal he'd submitted to try and keep her in Atlantis was now under review and according to the General they just had to be patient. The bad news, he didn't know if she'd actually consider taking a permanent position or if it was a moot point. He hadn't said anything in case the whole thing fell through but he needed to get an idea of where she stood and swallowed roughly, forcing himself to broach the subject. "Have you thought about what you might like to do once they clear you?"

The question felt heavy on her shoulders and she ducked her head breathing in a quick sigh. A few possibilities had been discussed in her therapy sessions with Doctor Robinson but ultimately she was limited by the IOA's decision. There was a strong chance she wouldn't get a say and until she knew for sure there was little point even speculating. "Honestly, I don't know..." she glanced up staring idly at the gate, "I can't imagine going back but I can't even remember what I'd be going back to, so..."

The sentence was left hanging and he nodded slowly, unable to draw much from the answer. She didn't seem like she was in any rush to leave but hadn't mentioned staying which stabbed painfully through his chest as he pushed a neutral response, "well if it makes any difference we like having you around."

"We?" She glanced back catching his gaze with a teasing smirk, "that your way of saying you'd miss me Colonel?"

He knew it was a joke but the humor hit a raw never and the slight curve of his mouth felt forced. She wasn't just a responsibility, they were friends and her loss of memory had resulted in an openness that hadn't been present when she'd been in command. In a way it was strengthening the bond between them and he wasn't ready to let that go, finding himself reluctantly admitting to partial defeat. "Okay fine... _I_ like having you around and not just because you can actually understand budget reports."

She raised an eyebrow sensing there was more to be read between the lines of his tone but she didn't voice her curiosity. There was still a lot they hadn't said, words that remained unspoken but there was no pressure to air them. They were both still finding their feet, testing the waters and she offered a gentle smile comfortable with the silence until her watch suddenly beeped. " _Sorry_ _,_ " she quickly muted the device, "appointment with Doctor Robinson. Looks like you're on your own with those budget reports."

"Any excuse huh?" He sat back, eyes washing over her as she straightened her outfit. "Lunch later?"

She nodded trying to ignore the slight sense of dread that always proceeded her sessions. Fortunately John had a habit of making himself available right after and the notion calmed her, knowing that this time would be no exception. He'd shown he wasn't going anywhere and until the IOA stated otherwise, neither was she.

-X-


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

* * *

Rodney bit down on his lip wavering slightly as he watched John tapping away on his laptop. The change was becoming more ingrained but it was still unusual to find the man sitting still in one place and he cleared his throat, using the sound to announce his arrival. "Ah, _hey..._ " he gave a sort-of half wave as his eyes darted around the office, "have you seen Elizabeth?"

The note of hesitation pricked John's instincts and he glanced up narrowing his gaze suspiciously at the question. "She's down with Robinson, what do you need?"

He was slightly offended by the accusatory tone but didn't push his luck, trying to sound casual as he loitered in the doorway. "Oh no, nothing... just um, wondering how she's doing... that's all."

John didn't buy the fumbling excuse and crossed his arms, slowly raising an eyebrow. If there was one thing he'd learnt over the years it was how to read the scientist's body language and right now it was practically screaming something was up. "Nice try, how about the real reason?"

Rodney recognized the hint of warning behind his tone and a reluctant sigh pushed from his lips in response. He knew it wasn't going to be an easy sell but he was banking on a couple of favors now that Sheppard was in charge, otherwise what was the point of having friends in high places? "Okay fine... I need her help with something."

"That 'something' had better not be work related." John sat up a little straighter watching the man's expression flicker with guilt. He hated having to enforce the IOA's stance but until Elizabeth was cleared he couldn't sanction giving her access to any of their systems, a condition they were all fully aware of. " _McKay..."_ he pressed a hand to his temple trying to ease the tension building, "we've been through this a dozen times. Until she's been reinstated I can't-"

"Oh come on! You know as well as I do she isn't a threat." He flapped the retaliation as he marched further into the room. He'd put up with the insane notion Elizabeth could be dangerous for long enough, now it was just getting ridiculous. "They're not even primary systems. I just need her to look over some translations and take a couple of notes, it's hardly top level clearance."

"The answer's no." John lifted his gaze hoping the note of finality would put an end to the argument but it didn't seem to phase the scientist. If anything it just increased his frustration.

"Do you have any idea how much time she could save us?" He protested again, the words bubbling up and out before he could stop them, "that means more time for me to work on the subspace power outlet, the _same_ outlet the IOA are hounding us to get finished. This is a win win situation for everyone if we could just-"

"I said no _._ " John stiffened as he snapped the response, "I'm _not_ going to say it again."

Rodney bristled at the tone but annoyance kept him from backing down. It was bordering on absurd and quite frankly he was getting tired of jumping through hoops when he was the one being pressured to produce results. "So that's it? You're just going to sit back and let them call all the shots."

The comment hit a nerve and John tensed locking his jaw at the accusation. If it was that easy he would have reinstated Elizabeth himself but he'd already put enough people offside by removing her security detail and he didn't want to risk pissing them off any further. "I don't have a choice Rodney-" he breathed out sharply, fighting to keep his anger in check, "they've already threatened to relocate her to the alpha site and I'm trying like hell to make sure that doesn't happen. So unless you want to get her an express ticket out, you'll drop it."

Rodney paled at the implication, losing his fight as the seriousness of the situation took hold. He'd heard there had been some fallout since Sheppard's return but he hadn't realized just how bad things had gotten and he stumbled awkwardly over an apology. "I'm sorry I wasn't... I mean, I didn't realize-"

"Well now you know." John shut him down maintaining a firm resolve even though it wasn't entirely McKay's fault. He'd deliberately kept the IOA's communique under wraps not wanting to create unnecessary cause for concern but there was more to it than just security concerns. Their retaliation had been about politics, stemming from his decision to undermine them, and the only way to get a quick resolution was to play ball and let homeland security take the reins. "I'll reassign Hadley-" he offered trying to bridge the gap, "he can help you out with the translations."

Rodney threw his hands up in exasperation. The linguist was about twelve years old, arrogant and rushed through Ancient text like it was a Mills and Boon novel but he sensed it wasn't the right time to sound ungrateful and reluctantly conceded. "Fine but if he screws up _again_ I want him out on the next rotation."

It wasn't exactly the response John was looking for but he took it watching as McKay begrudgingly trudged out of his office. He hated the situation as much as anyone but like it or not they had to be patient and when Elizabeth's voice suddenly crackled through his earpiece he swallowed the guilt, reaching up to open the channel. "I'm just about done, mess hall in ten?" Static filled the line and he frowned at the silence, waiting a few seconds before he tapped the device again. "Elizabeth _..._?"

 _["Sorry, I'm here... could we... do you mind if we we rain-check?"]_

Her voice was filled with hesitation and the vulnerability wound tightly in his chest causing his fingers to flex nervously. He knew sometimes she needed space after her sessions but the fact didn't alleviate his concern and he kept his voice low as he responded. "Sure... everything okay?"

 _["I'm fine, it's just a headache..."]_

He suspected it was a lie but nodded anyway, rubbing his temple briefly as he debated how to answer. The last thing he wanted to do was push but he didn't want to smother her either and a light sigh formed on his lips, "rain-check then, call me if you need anything."

The transmission cut off abruptly and he lifted his hand scrubbing it back through his hair. Feeling useless was starting to become a habit and after a moment of internal debating he quickly saved the report he was working on and closed the laptop, pushing up from his seat. Just because he couldn't help directly didn't mean there wasn't another way show his support and he left the room, barely slowing as he made his way down to visit their resident psychologist.

When he reached her office the door was open and he cleared his throat, jamming his hands in his pockets as she beckoned for him to enter. It was a nice enough space with a few plants scattered around for ambiance but it wasn't the decor that made him feel decidedly uneasy. It was the whole situation and he shifted awkwardly as her gaze latched onto him.

"Colonel, please take a seat..." she motioned to the chair opposite her desk but he shook his head declining and she clasped her fingers offering a small smile instead, "something I can do for you John?"

He nodded, ignoring the sudden itch to turn and leave. It wasn't that he disliked the women, on a personal level they got on fine, but he wasn't in the habit of talking about his problems and quickly jumped straight to the point. "I wanted to check in on Doctor Weir, see how she's coping with everything."

Eva instantly clocked the reason for his visit realizing Elizabeth's last session had to be the catalyst for his concern but while he was well within his rights to ask she wasn't at liberty to reveal any details without breaking confidence. "If this is about earlier you know I can't discuss what we talked about."

He dragged his hands out of his pockets and gave into the urge to pace trying to shake his frustration. He wasn't asking for damn a transcript just something to go on and a sigh pulled from his lips as he turned back on his heel. "I don't need all the details I just want to make sure she's okay."

"I'm sure you can appreciate she's been through a lot." The psychologist chose her words carefully hoping they would suffice. Their earlier appointment had been difficult and although Elizabeth had maintained she was fine the assessment wasn't one she'd readily agree with. The flashbacks were traumatic enough but their sporadic nature and varying lucidly were obviously taking a toll and she inclined her head, unable to commit to the reassurance John was looking for. "We're making progress but she has a long road ahead of her, it's going to take time. "

He swallowed roughly at the evasiveness finding it did nothing to ease his concern. If anything it made him feel more out of control and he doubled back to the desk determined to get a straight answer. "Sorry doc, I need more than that..." he palmed the plastic surface tapping is fingers in slight annoyance. He understood the position she was in but Elizabeth was his responsibility. He had a duty of care and he couldn't help her if he didn't know what was going on.

Eva leaned forward studying the stubborn set of his jawline. His asks were usually reserved, cooler if he didn't agree with her opinion but they were never aggressive. Clearly he was agitated and she suspected it had more to do with his own inadequacies and mostly likely rediscovered of guilt. "I'm sorry John," her voice was genuinely apologetic as she spoke, "It's patent doctor confidentiality. I can't bring up Elizabeth's sessions without her consent."

He pushed himself up scrubbing the hand back through his hair in frustration. Technically he didn't need anyone's consent. Atlantis was under his jurisdiction and while it might be pushing the boundaries, it was within his power to order the doctor's full cooperation. "I'd rather not have to pull rank here but if that's what it's going to take..."

She was surprised by the threat and bristled folding her arms squarely against her chest. Clearly he hadn't thought about the ramifications of an official order and she stared him down refusing to be backed into a corner. "It is-"she stated the fact categorically, "and if you open her file you'd better have a damn good reason to give the IOA because I don't think they'll buy the 'simply concerned' angle coming from her superior."

As expected the retaliation knocked the wind from his sails, the comment causing him to visibly pale and a wave of empathy softened her stance. She knew he was worried but there was a right and wrong way to go about helping and guns blazing wasn't the answer. "I know this might seem like a radical idea but have you tried just asking her what's wrong?"

He stiffened under her gaze, heat crawling up his neck at the obvious suggestion. Of course he'd thought about it but the likelihood of making the situation worse had been enough of a reason to quickly abandon the idea.

Eva watched him struggle with the question and shook her head, relaxing slightly as she inched forward in the chair. It wasn't uncommon for her patients to repress emotions. What did intrigue her was the shift in his behavior that had correlated with Elizabeth's return. The fact he was still standing in her office proved a willingness to step outside of his comfort zone and she tentatively tried getting him to explore the potential boundaries. "I can't reveal what I was told in confidence but it's a two-sided coin. If there's anything you want to discuss it stays in this room, completely off the record."

For a brief second he considered the offer, until it triggered a tight burn in his chest and the weight of failure was enough to prevent any continuation of the thought. Instead he quickly locked down the physical discomfort forcing a tight smile in response. "Sorry Doc but my plant gets jealous if I talk to strangers, thanks anyway."

He turned to leave and she rose from her chair chancing she wasn't going to regret pushing too much too soon.

"I know this isn't easy." He stalled at the comment and she took the hesitation as a sign to continue, "even I'm having a hard time processing how best to deal with the situation, this isn't exactly the sort of thing they covered in grad school." She thought she caught the hint of a smirk on his profile and extended her arms locking them against the desk with a sigh, "what I can tell you is that Elizabeth needs the support of people she trusts. If you really want to help then you're going to need to be honest and upfront no matter how difficult it is, if not with me then at least with her."

The advice erased the slight hint of amusement from his features and he swallowed roughly letting the silence answer for him. He didn't know how or if he even deserved to be that person in Elizabeth's life but he wasn't going to give up.

Somehow he'd find a way to get her through the worst of it, even if that meant losing a part of himself in the process.

-X-

* * *

 **AN: Thanks for the reviews guys! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

* * *

Elizabeth faltered wincing as Rodney's voice called out behind her. The echo of rapid footsteps quickly followed and she forced a smile hoping it would shield her discomfort as she turned towards him.

"I was just... you okay, you _look_ ," he stopped, not wanting to offend her but the words were already too close to the edge, "like hell actually _,_ sorry."

The apology sounded like an afterthought but she didn't blame him for the blunt observation. It was her own fault for thinking she could have a moment of normality but the pounding in her head combined with the tearing flashes from her therapy session refused to give any reprieve. She'd thought about asking Carson for a sedative but that meant sleeping and she couldn't bring herself to face the nightmares lingering in her subconscious. "I'll be fine." She wasn't ready to go into details and tentatively crossed her arms avoiding the truth, "was there something you wanted?"

The response wasn't rude but it was somewhat curt prompting him to think first before speaking. Initially he'd been debating whether or not to mention his translations deciding that what the IOA didn't know couldn't hurt them but he hesitated reaching blindly for the moral high ground. If Sheppard found out he'd be a dead man but on the other hand, she honestly looked like she could do with a distraction. "I thought, If you weren't busy that is... you might like to help me out with some stuff in my lab. Nothing fancy just a couple of texts I've been working on."

Surprise caught her expression and she relaxed a little, her gaze drawing to his watch as he nervously fidgeted with the device. He'd never been good at feigning innocence and though she was grateful for the offer a reluctant sigh tugged at her lips, "I take it this is an unofficial request?"

He shrugged his shoulders at the correct assumption. "More or less."

She wanted to say yes, escape the memories circling for as long as possible but it wasn't that simple. The IOA had banned her from accessing any sort of technology with the heavy threat of consequences if she disobeyed them. It was yet another aspect of her life she had little control over and she ducked her head regretfully turning him down. "Sorry, you know I can't. Not while I'm still-"

"Right... of course, forget I even mentioned it." He jumped in quickly, deflated by the answer but more focused on the frown weighing down the corners of her mouth. The last thing he'd wanted to do was upset her and shifted awkwardly resisting the urge to vent exactly how he felt about the IOA and their policies. "Any word on when they're going to clear you?"

She shook her head wincing as the action sent another jolt through her temple. It was getting harder to ignore the thudding ache and she swallowed dryly, her lungs straining as she reached up to try and relieve some of the tension.

Silence slipped between them and he shifted closer concerned by the knot in her brow. She looked like she was in pain and he bit down on his lip debating whether or not to call someone. "Are you, should I... I can get Jennifer or take you down to the infirmary. I mean unless you're about to pass out, not that you're heavy or anything. I'm sure you're the perfect weight for your height, it's just-"

" _Rodney..._ " she stole a deep breath dropping her hand as the corridor steadied itself, "I'm fine, I just need a second."

He waited patiently as she composed herself, the stubborn set of her features reminding him a lot of Sheppard, and when she straightened squaring her shoulders he wondered if they'd secretly been trading 'how to pass off being fine' tips and tricks. "I really think you should-"

The look she shot him halted the suggestion and he swallowed roughly realizing it was useless trying to argue the point. It reminded him of the old Elizabeth and the nostalgia was comforting despite the circumstances.

"It's just a headache." She assured, relieved he didn't seem intent on pushing the matter. She wasn't ready to talk about it yet and forced a smile hoping the gesture was partially believable. "If it get's any worse I'll go get checked out."

"Good." He nodded awkwardly, resisting the urge to call her on the obvious bluff and deciding he'd mention the run-in to Sheppard the next time they bumped into each other. Though he'd omit the part about asking for her help but that was a minor detail anyway.

Elizabeth sensed the conversation was over and patted his arm giving it a light squeeze before excusing herself. She hated lying but there was no easy explanation, no way to describe the memories tearing at her resolve to stay strong. The flashes were unyielding in their intensity and she followed the dimly lit cooridoor, wandering aimlessly, until a luminescent panel drew her attention towards a large door.

It looked vaguely familiar and she waved her hand tying to reach for the more positive memory but the secluded balcony didn't bring anything rushing back. It was however a welcome reprieve and she stepped out breathing in the crisp salty air as she made her way to they bench that sat overlooking it ocean. It offered a perfect view and she dropped down, closing her eyes as the sound of the waves washing over her. It was calming and she relaxed her fingers over the edge of the seat feeling her headache start to ease as a light breeze picked up.

She just needed a minutes to catch her breath, to gain control back, and then she'd be able to face everything she was running from.

It was naive thought, one that persisted until the minutes rolled into hours and it was only when the door suddenly sprang open that she realized she had no idea how long she'd been sat there staring motionlessly at the horizon.

The echo of footsteps drew her back to the present and guilt caught in her throat as she inclined her head towards the sound. "How did you know I was out here?"

"I didn't."

John hesitated briefly, trying to gauge the situation but even if he was intruding it was too late to go back and a sighed edged on his lips as he took the seat beside her. "I checked your quarters, the balcony, the mess, the infirmary... process of elimination really."

Her chest tightened at the effort he'd gone to and she cast her gaze over the ocean wishing things weren't so complicated. Three years ago her word would have meant something, it would have been enough to reassure him space was all she needed but even she was starting to distrust it was that simple. "I'm sorry."

The apology was genuine and he offered a small smile in return. "It's okay, I needed a break anyway."

She didn't respond to the note of humor and he pressed his hands awkwardly over his knees as the silence spilled between them. He didn't know what to say or even where to start but diving straight in felt like a good as approach as any. "So... what's up?"

Despite the situation his awkwardness caused her lips to curve though the reaction quickly faded. Talking hadn't helped so far. All it seemed to do was stir up things better left forgotten.

Her hesitation made him wince and he resisted the urge to reach out closing his fist tightly instead. They could get through this, he just needed to know what it was they were dealing with. "Elizabeth, whatever it is-"

"Oberoth."

The name fell like an anvil between them and she pushed up from the bench trying to shake the nausea pulsing through her body. The torture he'd inflicted had been relentless and the memory kept beating down no matter how many times she tried to fight them back. Oberoth had broken her and she swallowed sharply surprised to feel dampness hitting her cheeks. She hadn't even realize she'd been crying and heat rushed the back of her neck as she turned away from him. "I'm sorry... you shouldn't have to see me like this."

The apology caused anger to lodge in his chest but the emotion curled, dying in his throat before he could voice it. He was frozen, trapped by an invisible weight of guilt that rendered him motionless. He'd spent nights lying awake, imagining what she was going through, but none of it compared to what he felt now knowing she was reliving it all over again.

The quiet was disarming and she turned back to him folding her arms protectively around her stomach. She expected him to acknowledge the movement but he refused to meet her gaze and she knew it was because he blamed himself for what happened. She could read the anguish in his hunched shoulders, the stiffness in his body... but it hadn't been his fault. It had been her decision and neither one of them deserved to feel guilty for a choice she'd made. "John you did everything-"

"Don't."

The word held more venom that he knew he possessed and he shook his head warning her to steer clear of finishing the sentence. She could say what she liked, tell him a thousand times there'd been no other way but it was bullshit. He'd left her there and that was on him. No amount of ifs and buts were going to change a god damn thing.

The sudden anger made her uneasy but she knew it wasn't directed towards her and moved closer ignoring the way he flinched. The reaction didn't scare her, if anything it only spurred her own frustration. " _No_... I'm sorry but you don't get to be selfish." She watched his gaze snap up and held herself stubbornly, "I ordered you to leave so if you want to play the blame game that's on both of us."

Annoyance raced though his body but her steely gaze stopped him from flinging back an argument. He didn't want her forgiveness and the fact she was so ready to give it twisted like a knife deflating his anger. "Tell me you didn't wait-" his voice broke and he swallowed roughly, "or worse that you _did_ and then tell me when you finally gave up on us, on me _-_ "

"I didn't _._ " Her tone was firm but her expression softened as she moved to sit next to him. She knew he would have gone back if he'd been able to and allowing herself to have hope wasn't anything to be ashamed of. "I didn't give up on you, not once." She lifted her hand resting it against his leg and drawing comfort from the light touch, "and you wouldn't have either. If it had been you, would you honestly have blamed me?"

He turned his head breathing out sharply. It was an indirect parallel. They weren't taking about his life they were talking about hers but he couldn't argue the point, not because he was wrong but because technically she was right. He would never have blamed her and a pained smile softened his lips at the irony. "You know that's not fair."

"It wasn't supposed to be." A slight smile curved her lips as she withdrew her hand, "life's not fair, it's just fairer than death remember?"

He immediately missed the warmth of her touch and blew out a slow breath recalling the line he'd once quoted to her. It was a valid argument but unlike the Princess Bride he hadn't ended up being the knight in shining armor. He'd failed her and he couldn't just forgive himself, he didn't know if he'd ever be able to reach that point.

The silence that settled between them was amicable and she watched him carefully aware the situation was just as hard on him. The fact he was here trying meant something but if they wanted to move forward then they needed to work together not shut each other out."I know you want to help but you can't expect me to talk and then push me away. That's not how this works."

He breathed out roughly, tilting his head to look up her. "The whole give and take thing huh?"

The dry humor came as a slight relief and she smiled back at him. "Something like that."

He nodded slowly and she let her gaze drift back out across the ocean feeling they'd reached a sort of compromise. Challenging him had fueled a strength she didn't know existed, it had helped, and she closed her eyes holding onto the tiny piece of herself that felt so familiar.

It was an indication that the road back might just be worth it.

-X-


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

* * *

"Okay, I'm not supposed to tell you this but-"

"Then maybe you shouldn't?" Elizabeth suggested, glancing up as Rodney sat down at the table. His plate was heaped with various selections and she watched in fascination as he started seamlessly piling the food on his fork.

"This is ridiculous-" he waved the cutlery around stating his point, "I mean seriously, if you were a replicator or even somehow remotely linked to them why would you wait to destroy us? You could have done it weeks ago." The food on track to his mouth stopped suddenly, "unless of course you already did and this is just some nanite induced hallucination we've all been living and I'm really-"

" _Rodney,_ " she cut him off breathing out a sigh, "how about we don't go there." Even though she assumed the intention was to make her feel better it was having the opposite effect and she felt a wave of relief wash over her as John and Teyla approached the table.

"Go where?" John interrupted, a bemused expression crossing his face at the look she shot him. Clearly it wasn't worth asking and he shrugged off the question with a smile, "room for two more?"

"Please." She motioned to the empty spaces shuffling her chair as Teyla dropped sluggishly beside her. John moved in the same manner seating himself next to Rodney and she was immediately sympathetic to their fatigue. "Busy I take it?"

The Athosian gave a tired nod as stretched her arm working out the kinks. As much as she missed Torren the back to back training sessions were taking their toll and she was relieved Kanaan had been grateful to spend a few weeks uninterrupted with his son. "I believe that would be an understatement."

John tilted his head in agreement reaching up to rub the tension from his neck. They'd been preparing for a new lot of recruitment's which meant new training schedules, new access profiles and at least a hundred odd assessments to sign off on before anyone could gate off-world. It was an administration nightmare but the women opposite him had experienced her fair share of pain from the procedure. "It's scrub week-" he explained, glancing across at McKay who hadn't stopped eating since their arrival. The man was like a machine and he shook his head removing the plastic tie from his own cutlery, "those are some memories you don't want back, trust me."

Elizabeth smirked already recalling the term with a fair amount of ease. It was a name she'd coined for the week of rotations and while she knew it involved extra work she doubted his superiors would approve of the flippancy in his reports. "You do realize that's not what it's officially called?"

He scooped up a hefty amount of mash giving a non-committal shrug, "honestly, I've tried and tested a few more colorful variations today-"

A leg connected with his under the table and he grunted in protest, narrowing his gaze as Teyla's attention conveniently diverted to her watch. She'd been helping him reign in his frustrations but he was used to her attempts being a little more subtle and he subconsciously rubbed his shin as he glanced back at Elizabeth. "There's a few humanitarians in this lot if you're bored and want to babysit?" He flashed her a cheeky grin but it quickly fell from his face as McKay flustered beside him.

" _What_ -" Rodney sputtered tapping his chest to loosen the lodged food, "oh, I get it... when you need her help that's different right?"

"It was a joke McKay." A sigh pulled from John's lips as he rolled his eyes. The man was incorrigible and also literal when it came to interpreting sarcasm, something that had a habit of grating on his nerves.

Elizabeth glanced between the pair finding the banter drew a familiar urge to act as a buffer. It was instinctive and she dropped her voice offering Rodney a gentle smile, "if you still need my help, once I'm cleared those translations will be first on my list."

The scientist flinched hoping Shepherd hadn't picked up on the slip but the man's pointed stare told him otherwise. It was too late to divert from the comment and he held up his hands in mock surrender. "Before you say anything-" he quickly defended himself, "it's not as bad as it sounds."

"Really?" John tried to keep his anger in check as he ground his jaw tightly, "because it _sounds_ like you went behind my back after I explicitly told you not to."

"More like floated the idea." His voice pitched at the end as he tried to wave off the rising tension. He'd taken Sheppard's advise on-board he'd just sort of ignored it for the greater good. It wasn't like he'd hurt anyone by making a suggestion. "I don't see what the big deal is, she said no didn't she?"

John dropped his fork frustrated by the blase attitude. It had been a simple instruction like most of the orders he gave but yet again he'd found himself in a situation where the scientist had blatantly ignored him. "When I tell you _not_ to do something it means you don't do it, what part of that is hard to understand?"

"How about the part where assuming Elizabeth's a threat is entirely ridiculous!" He quickly protested the fact, "I mean don't you think-"

"All right that is enough, both of you." Teyla shot them each a firm look halting the argument before it drew more attention to the table. It wasn't any wonder Elizabeth had tensed beside her and she kept her tone calm as she pinned McKay with her gaze, "Rodney, I am certain you were only acting with the best of intentions..."

The scientist sat up, smiling smugly at the reasoning, "yes, _thankyou... t_ hat's exactly what-"

"However _,_ " Teyla was quick to cut him off, "Colonel Sheppard is currently in charge of the city. You need to respect his decisions and trust he has a reason for making them."

John folded his arms smirking until another kick under the table steeled his expression and he reluctantly accepted McKay's mumbled apology, watching as the man begrudgingly excused himself to refill his plate.

"You shouldn't be too hard on him..."

Elizabeth's voice drew his attention back to the table and he stiffened at the comment pushing down a wave of annoyance. If it was up to him he'd give her access to the whole damn city but it wasn't that simple. He needed to look at the bigger picture no matter how frustrating it was. "This isn't about you being a threat, nobody here thinks that."

"I know." She offered him a genuine smile, hoping to smooth over the tension and was relieved when he unclasped his arms and picked up his fork again. It reassured her and she prodded her own salad deciding a change of subject was an even better solution. "So any chance you'll get to go off-world with the new recruits?"

"Harrison's running the training but we're heading out tomorrow to oversee the new program." He confirmed the plan, eager to take a Jumper and play hooky even if it was just for a few hours. If he was lucky they might even be able to fit in some flight training before they had to head back.

"It is a more enjoyable part of the process." Teyla agreed, though the weight of the last few hours still sat heavily on her shoulders. The break would be a welcome reprieve but there was a list of preparations that needed to be seen to before either of them could retire for the night. "Unfortunately there is much to do before then."

John checked the time and took two more bites, dropping his cutlery down on the plate with a sigh. They were already running behind schedule and if they missed the next briefing it would set them back another hour. "On that note we should probably get going."

Elizabeth nodded offering a smile as his chair scraped back across the floor, "at least try to get some rest, both of you."

She didn't envy either of them but knew the work was necessary and watched them leave, idly picking at her salad as Ronon suddenly appeared in their place. The timing was too obvious to be a coincidence and heat warmed her cheeks at the orchestration, genuinely grateful for the company as she motioned for him to sit. Ronon accepted the invitation and a slightly awkward smile fell on her lips as a loud remark about citrus dressing was thrown around behind them. Fortunately it was no longer her responsibility to intervene and she kept her attention focused on the large Satedan man opposite her. "So..." the word pushed hesitantly from her mouth, "how's things?"

"Good."

The one-word response sat heavily between them and he swallowed a mouthful of food trying to seem more approachable. He didn't really know how, preferring the silence, but Sheppard had asked him to try and he had enough respect for the doc to at least give it a shot. "How about you, how's the unascended thing going?"

Her lips curved at the genuine effort he was making and she did her best to answer truthfully. "I'm readjusting, apparently patience is the key." A snort resonated from the back of his throat and she raised an eyebrow in question, "you don't think so?"

He shook his head. Personally he couldn't think of anything worse than taking the slow route. "I'm not a big talker."

The statement was obvious but she wasn't offended by his bluntness. If anything it was refreshing and she clasped her hands together urging him to continue, "I'm open to suggestions?"

The tone was almost daring and a smirk tugged at his lips in response. He might not be good with emotions but he sure as hell knew how to beat the crap out of a them. "Train with me, once a week. More if you can handle it."

"You mean fight?" She asked, the idea making her a little nervous. The choice of therapy worked for some but she wasn't exactly in prime physical condition. If she could manage one push-up she'd be highly surprised but a spark of stubbornness prevented her rejecting the offer. It wasn't as if she had anything to lose. "Okay, deal."

"Good. We start tomorrow." Her expression didn't waver, despite her reservations, and he had to hide a stab of amusement at the determination. Judging by her resolve it wouldn't take her long to master the basics and she'd probably be kicking Sheppard's ass in no time.

Something he'd pay good money to see.

-X-

* * *

 **AN: Thanks for the reviews guys! I'll try and get a few more chaps up this week and they'll be longer as well :) xx**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

* * *

Instinct drove John's gaze up from his palm reader and he blinked doing a double take as Elizabeth stepped out of the training room. She was kitted out in gym clothes, her skin gleaming with sweat and he swallowed roughly steering his eyes away from the formfitting outfit. When she spotted him across the corridor his feet kicked into gear urging him towards her. " _Hey_ - _"_ he winced at the squeak in his voice, quickly clearing his throat, "little late for a workout isn't it?"

She used the damp towel from her lesson, wiping her brow and smiling at the approach. As expected the moves had been rigorous and demanding but she'd surprised herself by managing to keep up even though her muscles were now vehemently protesting the use. "Ronon thought training might help clear my head."

A hint of jealously sparked as they fell into step but he quickly squashed it down realizing he'd been the one to suggest they spend some time together. Though when he'd mentioned it to Ronon he'd been thinking more along the lines of Chess or Backgammon, something that wasn't quite so physical _._

"Yeah, did it help?" He tried to sound casual raking a hand up through his hair as they walked. If the sessions were beneficial he wasn't going to dispute them and he didn't _need_ a shortcut to the control room, there were plenty other ways around that wouldn't conjure up any unwanted images. In fact, he could steer clear of the sector altogether. Forever if necessary.

"I do feel better." She readjusted the bag on her shoulder but didn't expand on the comment. The workout had given her some breathing space but now she was running on adrenaline and knew as soon as it wore off she'd be faced with the same anxiety that always reared during the night. In hindsight, the late hour probably hadn't been the smartest time for a lesson and she made a mental note to see if Ronon would switch to morning instead.

John fidgeted with his palm reader tapping it absently as he waited for the 'but' that didn't eventuate. Instead she remained silent and he became a little more focused as he started filling in the gaps. "You're still having trouble sleeping." It wasn't a difficult conclusion to jump to. Even in the dim light he could see dark circles under her eyes and when she dipped her head in embarrassment he knew it was the reason she hadn't elaborated.

"Something like that." She admitted drawing comfort from the fact he could understand the 'ins and outs' of post-traumatic stress. He'd been through enough trauma of his own and she was finally starting to get a sense of why he'd always been so reluctant to open up about his past.

The quick dismissal stirred an ache in his chest and he stalled slowing his pace as they neared the transporter. He was supposed to go back to work, finish signing off on the new recruits but he couldn't shake the feeling he was abandoning her and raised an arm leaning heavily against the wall. She turned, throwing him a curious look and the reaction made the decision for him. "You up for a movie?"

Surprise flickered across her features, leading her lips into a slight curve. The suggestion wasn't exactly subtle but it didn't come out sounding patronizing either and she wavered on the verge of declining when he gave her a gentle nudge.

"Say no and you'll be subjecting me to reports, you really want that on your conscious?" Although technically he was shirking his responsibilities a quick glance at his watch reminded him he'd been up for nearly thirty-six hours and taking a break was definitely long overdue. It was a win-win situation and he dropped his hand flashing her a cheeky grin, "say yes and I'll bring popcorn."

She rolled her eyes finding it difficult not to be amused by the child like expression. Her hesitation had nothing to do with the movie. It was about her own self-confidence, making sure she didn't grow too dependent on his help but she quickly found herself edging away from the mental caution. "I need to take a shower-"

"Aha, _see-_ " he smiled triumphantly as he waved the sensor, "I knew you'd say yes."

"I didn't say yes." The doors parted and she stepped inside turning to face him with a wry smirk, "but you're right, I was about to."

The humor bounced between them as the panel slid closed and he stole a quick second to appreciate the unguarded moment. It had felt like it did years ago, back before the nightmarish hell of replicators and back before the countless versions of her he'd met since. She might not remember what home looked like but it was there in every familiar glimpse of their friendship and memories or not, he'd find a way to prove to her it existed.

Atlantis was a family, _her_ family, and he'd be damned if he was going to let a bunch of robotic machines take that away from either of them.

-X-

* * *

-X-

The opening credits started to play and Elizabeth glanced at John throwing him a bemused expression. "This is what we're watching?" She raised an eyebrow as his weight pressed down on the small couch.

"What's wrong with with Homeward Bound," he leaned back with a shrug, "I'll have you know it's a classic."

She dipped her head trying to hide her amusement at the choice. Not that she minded. The genre was a welcome change since they dealt with aliens and spaceships on a day to day basis, it just wasn't the kind of film she'd been expecting and a teasing smile crossed her lips as she glanced back up. "I guess I had you pegged as more of an action guy but it's okay, you're secrets safe with me Colonel."

He rolled his eyes at the comment and flicked his wrist adjusting the volume so it sat at a comfortable level. He might have a soft spot for animals but at least he'd never been caught raiding Zelenka's collection of chick-flicks, though the Czech's selection of movies was admittedly impressive. " _Really...?_ " He gave an indignant snort as he raised an eyebrow, "little miss romcom is seriously judging my taste in-"

A cushion caught him squarely in the face and he bit back a chuckle raising his hand in mock surrender, "don't worry your secrets safe with me." He flashed her a cheeky grin, reaching down to find the box he'd squirreled away while she was in the shower. It seemed like an apt peace offering and he tugged it out steadying the bottles as they clanged together. "Beer?"

She nodded her mouth parting in surprise as she peeked inside the box. It contained an assortment of snacks that were all unopened and her cheeks flushed at the effort he'd gone to, wondering how he'd managed to get so much at such short notice.

"It was nothing." He read the look on her face and quickly brushed it off with a tight smile. She didn't need to thank him. If anything the gratitude made him feel uncomfortable, driving home the fact that a few small reminders from Earth didn't even come close to making up for her extended stay. "It was the least I could do, so enjoy."

She took the bottle and her lips curved warmly in response. It wasn't 'nothing' but she could tell he didn't want to make a fuss and silently accepted the candy bar he held out. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd had chocolate and placed the unopened beer between her legs so she could tear at the wrapper.

Amusement twitched on John's as he watched the hasty movement, her excitement worth all the extra night shifts he'd offered to work. It seemed like a fair trade-off and he smiled, twisting the cap of his beer as she pressed the corner of chocolate to her mouth. The action elicited a hum that made his pulse race and he turned his head sharply, downing enough alcohol to tamper the reaction.

" _So..._ " he swallowed roughly, cleared his throat, "any pets growing up?" It was the first distraction he could think of, influenced by the animals running around on screen, and he sunk back into the sofa hoping she wouldn't notice the rise of heat flushing his face.

Elizabeth wrapped up the remainder of the bar balancing it on the couch as she took the beer from her lap. The question shouldn't have been difficult but the answer was hazy and she leaned her elbow against the armrest using her hand to prop her head towards him. "We had a cat... I think." Her forehead creased as she pictured the fluffy tortoiseshell, unable to recall specific details like a name or if the animal had even been hers. So much of her memory was still a mess and the image lay dormant just outside of her grasp, mocking her as she tried vainly to reach it.

He watched her eyes close in frustration and frowned in response. He was all too familiar with the pained expression having seen it repeatedly on scientists desperately seeking a breakthrough, he'd even seen it once or twice on McKay but this was different. She wasn't looking to unlock the secrets of the universe just answers she was entitled to and he dropped his hand offering comfort the only way he knew how.

She felt the light touch on her calf and sighed, opening her eyes to find his face pinched with concern. The reaction was why she hated appearing vulnerable but she knew he wasn't judging and forced her lips into a reassuring smile. "Sorry."

"I lost you there for a second." He stated the obvious, lifting his fingers but keeping his gaze fixed on hers. She seemed a little more at ease but there were still lines of tension creasing her brow and he tucked his hand beneath his leg removing the temptation to reach up and comfort her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." She ducked her sheepishly, finding a sudden interest in her beer and picking absently at the label, "It's not important, pretty sure I'm more of a dog person anyway."

The casual answer tugged at his chest, her strength continuing to surprise him despite never faltering. He knew of war hardened marines who would have cracked under the pressure by now but she was taking it all in her stride with what he could only describe as a humble sense of acceptance. It was Elizabeth Weir to the core, so much so that it almost hurt, and a well of pride knotted in his throat fueling his desire the make sure the IOA -and everybody else- gave her the recognition she deserved.

"You know it's rude to stare?" She abandoned the sticky paper quirking an eyebrow as she glanced up. She'd felt him watching her, the scrutiny of his gaze making her stomach flutter and she wasn't surprised when his face flushed with embarrassment.

"Sorry." It was his turn to apologize and he rubbed the base of his neck trying to swallow the sudden rise of awkwardness. He didn't know how to put his thoughts into words but a close attempt edged at his lips and he breathed out softly in response, "I just... with everything you've been through, I... you should be proud. Not everyone would be handling this like you are."

She was touched by the compliment but found it difficult to accept, drawing comfort from a sip of alcohol. Early on she hadn't had the same level headed approach. Instead of coping she'd been motivated by the fear of inertia, relying on momentum to get through each day and she was ashamed to admit there were times she'd thought about giving up. She didn't know if there was any point revealing the truth, it wouldn't change anything but she couldn't expect him to be open about his guilt if she couldn't do the same.

"I thought about leaving," she spoke quietly, the emotion catching unexpectedly in her throat, "when I first came here I thought, I don't know... I hoped for some kind of closure. Everybody was so warm and kind but I could barely remember their faces. I felt empty and it made me want to run as far away as possible."

The revelation stabbed sharply through his chest and he brought his hands together wishing he'd known the full extent of her thoughts, no matter how hard they were to hear. Lorne and Beckett had both reported that she was fine and while he believed that's what they'd assessed at the time, he still should have known better. "Do you still feel that way?"

The uncertainty in his voice caused her head to snap up and she shook it adamantly in response. "No, of course not." He didn't look convinced and she reached out gliding her fingers over his leg to reinforce her point, "I feel safe here... _happy_ , it was an adjustment that's all."

She offered a smile and he tried to return the gesture but it didn't quite reach his eyes. Knowing she'd been suffering the whole time he was away twisted like a knife and the pressure of her touch burned like fire until it lifted sending a shiver down his spine. "I'm sorry..." he dropped his hand to the spot absently rubbing the length of fabric, "you shouldn't have had to go through that alone, I should have been here."

It took her a moment to realize what he was referring to and she bit her lip stubbornly refusing to accept the apology. "No you shouldn't." There was a tame conviction to her voice, the same strength he always seemed to evoke, and her expression settled somewhere between gentle and determined. "You were doing your job and Aiden needed you. It was the right call to make."

He wanted to argue that she'd needed him too but the protest died on his lips and he nodded slowly, letting the words wash over him. He and Ford had both made amends for the past, they'd received closure and it was a weight off his shoulders but he still felt the strain of regret as he reluctantly let the matter drop. "Yeah, I guess."

He thumbed the neck of his beer and she took a sip of her own wishing there was a way to ease the guilt resting between them. She'd never intended to make him doubt his decision to remain behind but he was clearly struggling with the choice and she breathed out a soft sigh. "How about you?" She asked, hoping the change of subject would get them back on track, "any pets growing up?"

He nodded appreciating the distraction and forcing a half-smile as the memory washed over him. He'd been about six or seven when he'd found the stray wandering around near his school and despite his mother's instance that a pedigree dog would be a better fit she'd eventually grown too fond of the animal to give him up. His father hadn't said anything which, after years of saying no, had probably been the most amicable withdrawal the man had ever made. "We had a dog. My dad wasn't around much so I think Cash was his way of trading off."

The name drew a slight curve to her lips but his admiration for the singer took a backseat to the comment about his childhood. She'd always had a good relationship with both of her parents, they'd always been attentive and offered their support, she'd been lucky and her gaze softened as she watched him. He didn't seem aware of the slip relaxing despite the revelation and she decided not to push, steering away from her curiosity. "You know, Sedge was one of the first things I remembered."

He raised an eyebrow hiding a smirk behind his beer. "Should I be offended by that?"

"No... maybe if I said you were after Rodney-" she teased, the tone playful as she nudged him with her foot implying it wasn't the truth. In fact, it was far from it. When she'd been travelling with caravan traders she'd dreamed of him often, his nameless face urging her to fight, to keep going no matter how bleak the situation felt. The manifestation had given her hope during the long nights and she quickly swallowed the humor in her voice, "you were there not long after I woke up. They were just dreams, I didn't know who you were... but I always felt safe waking up from them."

The shift in her expression was unexpected, the hesitant smile making him uncomfortable as images of her being lost and alone rushed his senses. If he'd just listened to McKay, trusted the scientists instincts, they could have been out there looking instead of running into her by sheer luck. If Lorne and Radek hadn't been scheduled to visit Sateda they never would have crossed paths and the ramifications of almost delaying the mission made him sick to his stomach.

His hand trembled slightly, his knuckles tightening around the beer bottle as it reached his mouth and she frowned at the returning tension. They might have been getting better at handling it but the fact it was there and so easy to trigger caused a sigh to build on her lips.

The sound was audible and he flinched searching for a way around his silence. "It's nothing, I was just-" he stopped, dropping his gaze and shaking his head. He wanted to shrug off the guilt, pretend it didn't mean anything but ignoring it hadn't worked so far. At least acknowledging it seemed to move them towards finding a resolution. "When Rodney first told me about you I didn't want to hear it. I couldn't face it, not after everything that had happened..."

The truth was hard to admit and he glanced up expecting to see resentment in her eyes. He deserved it, almost ached for the punishment but it didn't manifest. Instead he was met with a gentle understanding that forced the apology lodged in his throat. "If I'd known if was you, that you were out there I swear to god- "

"John, it's okay." She cut him off, not mad or even in the vicinity of being upset. It was hardly his fault. Despite Daniels miraculous returns unascending wasn't exactly a widely accomplished feat and she didn't blame him for being apprehensive. She would have aired the same level of caution had their situations been reversed. "Rodney's allowed to be impulsive, he's not a leader but you are. It's your job to look at the facts and you don't need to apologize for that."

She wasn't making excuses. His personal feelings had come into play but hadn't been swayed by them, he'd acted on the intel they'd had available and she shifted her legs to the otherside so she was facing him properly, "besides... I'm hardly the first women Rodney's conjured up in a crisis, if I remember correctly Colonel Carter's shown up once or twice."

A sound almost resembling a chuckle pushed its way through the tightness in his chest. He'd said a similar thing at the time and was surprised to find the joke actually helped alleviate his guilt. He'd never found talking to be cathartic but somehow it felt different with her and the ghost of a smile lingered as she settled back against the couch, the silence resting easily between them as his attention returned to the action unfolding on the screen.

It wasn't long before they both became engrossed, the odd comment stirring the quiet until about half-way through the film when he felt a light weight press against his shoulder. When he glanced down he realized she'd fallen asleep and the repetitive breathing stirred a yawn as he debated whether or not to wake her. She seemed comfortable enough and the fact she needed rest overturned his fleeting concerns about privacy. If any of the late night staff who happened by deemed it inappropriate he'd deal with them in the morning and he relaxed again, letting his gaze drift back to film.

If he hadn't been so tried himself he might have looked more closely at the glaringly obvious parallels, the incredible journey that was being undertaken just to get home. It should have resonated but exhaustion was creeping in and he stopped trying to fight it.

Eventually they made it back home to their family, that was all he needed to know.

X

* * *

 **AN: Hi guys, sorry I went away for a few days last week so I didn't get anything posted. I did however put up a trailer for this fic if anyone wants to check it out. It's on youtube titled** Stargate Atlantis-Sparky-Fourth Order - Fanfic Trailer **:) xx**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

* * *

Eva smiled as Elizabeth sat down in the chair opposite her. They'd dropped their sessions back to once a week and from what she could see it looked like the women was coping just fine with the new arrangement. "You seem well rested. How are you feeling, sleeping better?"

Elizabeth nodded, folding her hands into her lap as she made herself comfortable. Carson had made the same observation confirming she'd managed to put on some much needed weight though she credited the gain to John's movie nights rather than the doctor's diet plan. "I'm good and I've been sleeping better recently."

Eva picked up her pen marking the note down on her tablet. She was relieved to hear the news knowing the nightmares had been a recurring problem and her lips curved loosely as she glanced up again, "is there anything you've been doing differently, a change in routine that you think might be helping?"

"I've started training with Ronon and Teyla." Elizabeth subconsciously rubbed her shoulder, the muscles still sore from her last workout. She hadn't really thought about the connection but her appetite had definitely increased since she'd started exercising more regularly.

Eva watched the movement, her gaze drawn to the flash of discomfort in the women's expression. She fully supported physical activity but there was such a thing as overdoing it and her tone held a note of warning as she addressed her concern."Exercise can be a useful tool to relieve stress but it's important you don't find yourself relying on just one method, it's about finding a balance."

"Unless it's therapy right?" Elizabeth's mouth quirked into a smile as she dropped her hand down. Their appointments had been useful and she was grateful for the support but the more she remembered the more she realized she wasn't the sort of person that felt comfortable opening up about her problems. It was a conundrum, one that had become increasing apparent in the last few weeks.

Eva sensed the underlying tension and clasped her hands over the tablet. She understood the women's frustrations but for the moment the visits weren't optional and she sincerely hoped that when the IOA did finally clear her they would continue to work together. "I know you'd rather these sessions weren't mandatory but the next stage is building on your progress and if you give it a chance I think some of techniques could really help. The training has obviously been working, is there anything else that's changed recently?"

Elizabeth breathed out a sigh ducking her head as embarrassment tainted her cheeks. She didn't know how to admit that the reason she'd been sleeping more soundly had nothing to do with therapy and everything to do with John's instance that she call whenever the nightmares became too much. It wasn't often and he was usually up anyway maintaining that he needed the break or was ready to call it a night, but finding him always eased her anxiety even if it was just five minutes spent together on the balcony. It helped even though she was at a loss trying to explain why.

The silence stretched between them and Eva regarded the women carefully. She seemed hesitant to voice whatever she was thinking about and a gentle smile touched her lips as she tried to coax an answer. "Elizabeth I'm not here to judge. Whatever you're worried about I promise it will stay between us."

She swallowed roughly, trying to collect her thoughts in order share them. There was no reason why her relationship with John should be perceived as an issue, it was completely innocent but the words still felt strained as they left her mouth, "Colonel Sheppard and I have been spending a lot of time together recently."

Eva tilted her head in surprise trying to hide a flicker of amusement as she floated the pen in her hand. She been silently hoping the two of them would confide in each other but it was a tentative situation, one that was best approached with caution. "The two of you are close."

Elizabeth nodded awkwardly, her gaze falling to the tablet and Eva deliberately turned the surface so it was facing her lap. She didn't feel it was necessary to note the relationship down especially if it was going to make anymore observations uncomfortable. "Is that something you're worried about?"

Elizabeth breathed in slowly, sitting up a little straighter as she considered the question. It had started to to play on her mind for a range of different reasons but there was only one she was currently willing to admit to. "I guess I'm afraid I'm becoming a distraction."

It was a valid point but the suggestion didn't raise any cause for alarm bells particularly when Eva factored in the Colonel's recent change of command. Dealing with his new responsibilities and finding a balance was going to take time but so far she hadn't seen any evidence to suggest he was struggling with the task. "Do you think his work is suffering?"

"No, of course not-" she jumped in quickly defending the comment, "I just don't want to turn into an obligation, something he feels he has to take care of."

Eva fought a small smile as she crossed her legs, finally getting a sense of where the real problem was stemming from. They were clearly dealing with some heavy commitment issues, possibly even a fear of rejection and given her pending review with the IOA the doubt was perfectly understandable if not slightly misplaced. "Do you consider Colonel Sheppard a distraction?"

Elizabeth glanced up twisting her hands nervously as her gaze darted around the small room. She didn't exactly have a full schedule to keep her occupied so being around him, or anyone else for that matter, always came as a welcome reprieve from her thoughts. "I suppose I do, yes."

"And what if you didn't need a distraction, if the IOA reinstated you tomorrow?" Eva posed the possibility watching as a look of confusion settled over Elizabeth's features. She didn't like leading her patients but sometimes it was necessary and she thought for a moment before rewording the question, "if you had that certainty now, would you still feel guilty about spending time with him?"

Elizabeth opened her mouth to answer but the response wasn't as readily available as she'd expected. It was complicated and she breathed out a sigh realizing just how much weight rested on the IOA's decision. She was like a deer trapped in headlights, powerless to do anything except wait for the impact.

The silence was telling and Eva knew she'd made the connection, that she was seeing the situation for what it was; a lack of control. Previously the memory loss had kept the emotion contained, her vulnerability acting as a bubble but the more Elizabeth identified with her old self the faster her independence broke through the barrier. John's influence was clearly having a positive effect but if she started to view it as a weakness then they'd be right back to square one again. "You don't need to feel guilty or justify why somebody cares Elizabeth-" she smiled gently as she presented the fact, "if you do then chances are the problem isn't really about them."

The truth hit a little too close to home and she drew her lips together considering the advice. Maybe she was projecting but it didn't change the fact that until the IOA came up with a decision she was effectively gridlocked, though for the first time since her arrival the idea of contemplating her options no longer felt quite so daunting.

Eva watched her relax slightly, the shift barely perceptible to the untrained eye but recently it had begun marking the official start of their sessions. She suspected it was a tell from the old Elizabeth Weir, the one who approached her emotions with a little more caution, and Eva found it intriguing that it had only taken a few minutes to drop her defenses. It usually took a lot longer fueling her suspicion that Sheppard had actually listened to her and a smile crept onto her face, idly wondering if he'd ever commit to a session with her.

It was highly unlikely.

But then again, if she continued working with Elizabeth, maybe he wouldn't need to.

-X-


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

* * *

John sat across from Ronon watching the man stuff half a sandwich in his mouth, swallowing it in less than two bites. He'd been on the mainland helping the locals prepare for winter and had clearly worked up an appetite, causing a bemused expression to cross John's features. "Good trip?" He asked, eyeing his own tray with a little less enthusiasm.

Ronon nodded downing his juice and wiping the pulp from his mouth. They'd been out hunting in the forest and the convenience of prepared food was something he'd missed but the fresh air and thrill of the chase were worth a week without luxury items. It had been rejuvenating, fulfilling a primal urge that had been simmering since Sheppard had stepped down from their team and even though his muscles ached from the trek it was better than the last few missions he'd been assigned to.

"Beats hanging around with scientists all day." He picked up the rest of his sandwich catching a glimmer of jealously in the Colonels expression. Not that he blamed the man. He'd go stir crazy stuck behind to a desk too and he responded with a casual shrug, "we're heading out again tomorrow, could do with an extra set of hands?"

The offer was tempting and John reached for his palm reader penning open the calendar. There was nothing urgent scheduled just meetings and reports to submit, tasks that Lorne could easily carry out in his absence and it _was_ in the spirit of building relations. "You know I might just take you up on that." He sat the device down on the table, his feet itching to get out of the city and see some action no matter how tame.

"Think you can remember how to fire a weapon?" Ronon paused mid-bite, smirking as Sheppard threw a glare across the table. If looks could kill he'd be a dead man but the teasing was far too entertaining to give up and he steeled himself wearing a deadpan expression, "also you might want to start laying off those big lunches."

"Okay, _very_ funny." John rolled his eyes ignoring the comment as he opened the container holding his pasta salad. He knew the banter was all in good nature but the man did sort of have a point. If he couldn't find the time to maintain his old exercise regime he was going to have to start seriously rethinking his diet.

Ronon dropped his elbows glancing around the sparse mess hall and taking in the unusually quiet area. It didn't look like anything had changed since he'd been gone but in his experience calm appearances were almost always deceiving. "Not much going on-" he made the observation turning his attention back to the table, "how's Weir, she get cleared by the IOA yet?"

John shook his head swallowing a mouthful of pasta. He'd tried every diplomatic angle he could think of and if they didn't budge soon he was ready to step through the gate himself and show them exactly what a threat looked like. "I'm submitting my last formal recommendation this afternoon, with any luck they'll get off their asses and actually do their job this time."

He reached for his water clenching his jaw to stop any further frustration spilling out. If Elizabeth could find the patience to carry on without complaining then so could he. "She mentioned you and Teyla have been doing some training with her." An unwanted picture popped up in front of his eyes and mentally chided himself for bringing up the subject. It didn't do anything to help his calm resolve and he found a sudden interest in the bottle he was holding, fidgeting awkwardly with the label and trying to rid the images from his mind.

"She's good." The observation landed between them and Ronon expected Sheppard to glance up but his concentration didn't waver. Instead he mumbled some kind of approval in response and Ronon quirked an eyebrow trying to coax more of a reaction. "Maybe you should try asking her for some pointers?"

The note of humor cut through John's thoughts and he snorted lightly, assuming the man was only half joking. Elizabeth hadn't been born a fighter but she was a natural learner and would put in the effort regardless of her physical limitation. It was one of the things he admired about her and a sigh found its way onto his lips. He was being ridiculous. She needed the distraction and there was no reason why it should be bothering him so much. "I know she's appreciating it, so thank you."

The gratitude seemed genuine but there was still an edge of tension to his voice and Ronon leaned back folding his arms over his chest. He was good at reading people it was the conversation part he didn't like, preferring to remain silent instead of engaging, but the odd behavior had him stumped. "Something's up."

John answered with a shrug uncapping his water and Ronon watched the lid bounce aimlessly across the table. He didn't buy the innocent act for a second. They'd been through a lot over the years and he knew what Sheppard looked like when he was wearing the burden of command, this wasn't it. The lines of exhaustion resting around his eyes had come from somewhere else... or someone else. "You and Weir, you guys sleeping together?"

John choked on the liquid coughing roughly as it went down his windpipe, managing to get enough breath back to rasp out a response, "excuse me?"

The shocked reaction told Ronon it wasn't true but the loss of composure urged his lips into a smirk. Clearly there was something going on between the pair even if they hadn't realized it yet. "So you're not, you two _aren't_ -"

"We're friends." He stated the fact hoarsely, taking a slower sip of water as he shot the man a disapproving glare. The last thing he or Elizabeth needed was gossip flying around about the two of them together. It was hard enough getting the IOA to listen, if they caught wind of a relationship his credibility would be completely shot.

Ronon received the warning loud and clear, holding his hands up to signal a surrender. He might have been curious but he wasn't stupid. Although the knowing smile on his face threatened to test that theory. "We're leaving at first light if you think you can handle it?"

"I think I'll manage just fine." John ducked his head relieved by the change of subject though he could still feel heat pricking the back of his neck. The comment had hit a nerve, one he didn't care too look at too closely, and he dug back into his pasta using the mission as a distraction. "You on the other hand might want to get some beauty sleep if you're going to keep up."

A gruff laugh caught in the back of Ronon's throat but the banter held a note of truth to it. The last week had been grueling and he casually pushed up from the table reaching out to clap his friend on the shoulder. For the moment he was steering well clear of the 'thing' going on with Weir and he removed his hand shaking his head as he shuffled passed.

Sheppard would get there eventually.

Even if he was the last one to figure it out.

-X-


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

* * *

Elizabeth yawned, stretching her legs out over the mattress as she turned another page of her book. Or rather John's book. He'd lent her his copy of War and Peace and she'd been instantly amused to discover a piece of paper lodged towards the back indicating he hadn't finished reading it yet. His answering shrug had confirmed it and then he'd made her promise not to give away any spoilers.

She was currently was half-way through and thinking of calling it a night when her comm device suddenly crackled to life beside her. Abandoning the novel she reached over to the bedside table and picked it up the small communicator fitting in her ear. "This is Weir." It took less than a second for John's voice to cut through the static, asking if she was awake, and her lips curved as she tapped open the channel again, "I was just about to turn in."

 _["I'm outside... y_ _ou got a sec?_ _"]_

She glanced at the door imagining him shuffling awkwardly behind it and nodded. "I'll be right there." His silence urged her off the bed and she padded across to the sensor tugging her t-shirt down as she motioned to activate it. She wasn't in the least bit surprised to find him standing exactly as she'd pictured, hands shoved nervously in his pockets as he bounced on the balls of his feet.

" _Hey..._ " he threw a sheepish smile over her shoulder, "mind if I come in?"

She took a step back extending her arm as an invitation. It wasn't unusual for him to visit particularly after a busy day and she waved the door closed watching as he leaned back against her desk. Due to the size of the room his feet almost touched the corner of the bed and she stepped over him perching herself on the edge of the mattress.

"Sorry, I know it's late." He rubbed the base of his neck, clearing his throat as he glanced around the room. The lack of personal items reinforced that the quarters were only a temporary arrangement and he shifted awkwardly, bringing his hand down to rest on top of the wooden surface. He'd only be gone for a few days, a week at most but there was still a slim chance something could change in his absence. "I'm going over to the mainland tomorrow, a kind of last minute thing but Lorne's going to keep an eye on things."

He sounded hesitant, almost like he was distracted and she folded her arms curiously, "you're worried about leaving him in charge?"

He glanced up feeling a rush of embarrassment warm his cheeks. It wasn't Lorne he was concerned about but diplomacy was more her area of expertise and he searched for a way around admitting the truth. "You know what he's like, guy get's into trouble a lot..."

"Not half as much as you if I recall correctly." A smile touched her lips but the amusement didn't reflect in his expression and realization suddenly dawned on her; he was anxious about leaving her alone, not Evan. Coming from anybody else the concern would have been a jolt to her confidence but she knew the intention wasn't to judge and found the sentiment oddly comforting if not for the most part unnecessary. "I'll be fine John."

She spoke softly and he relaxed drumming his fingers over the desk. Of course she'd be okay. There was no real reason to think otherwise but he felt slightly better hearing it from her directly.

The silence fell delicately between them and she pushed up from the bed to meet his gaze. She understood why he was hesitant but there were no excuses. They needed to be realistic about the situation and the position he was in. "You know I'm not a priority," there was no malice to her tone just gentle honestly, "like it or not I'm only here because the IOA don't know what to do with me."

The acceptance didn't make it sting any less and he ducked his head breathing out roughly, "they wouldn't know what to do with a knife and fork." He didn't care that it was blunt, having already lost what little respect he had for the board. Even if he ignored the fact they were power hungry, arrogant and self-serving he couldn't get passed their complete lack of compassion. If it hadn't been for Elizabeth's sacrifice Atlantis would have been destroyed and they wouldn't even have a city, let alone their jobs. "I don't really give a damn what they think-" he kept his voice low, swallowing a wave of anger as he glanced back up, "we're a family here and you're part of that."

She blushed at the intensity behind his eyes, the mix of frustration and concern driving her to reach out and comfort him.

He stiffened, not sure what to do as her arms looped around his neck but after a moment he relaxed letting his hand fall slack against her waist. He rarely felt comfortable returning affection but her warmth drew him in, blanketing him with a hint of vanilla and he inhaled the scent sighing against the crook of her neck. It felt nice, stirring a wave of content until she pulled back forcing him to let go.

"I ah..." he stopped short, scrubbing the side of his face as she returned the distance between them. The moment had caught him off guard, distracted him, and he wrestled with an excuse to hide his embarrassment, "I should probably get going, we're leaving first thing so-"

"Of course." She smiled trying to dispel the slight awkwardness, though it lifted naturally by itself as they neared the door. When he turned wearing a soft grin she found herself mimicking the expression. "Send me a postcard?"

"I'll see if they have any t-shirts in the gift shop." The curve of her lips and the expansive hall made him momentarily regret the decision to leave but he quickly sidelined the dangerous thought. Staying was in no way an option and he waved two fingers in mock salute bidding her a goodnight as he stepped out into the corridor. The doors whooshed closed and a dull ache spread through his chest as he started walking, the sensation grating against his need to get out of the city.

It wasn't the first time the feeling had reared itself, reminding him that travelling offworld was no longer his sole commitment. He was a leader and becoming instinctively aware that people were now his main priority. The role was changing him and he didn't care what the IOA thought; so long as he was in charge Elizabeth fell into that category.

-X-


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

* * *

Teyla approached Elizabeth her gaze washing over the stargate as she joined the doctor on the small alcove above the gateroom. When the women didn't acknowledge her arrival Teyla reached out a hand not surprised when Elizabeth jumped at the contact. She'd noticed a certain apprehension in her friend since John's departure. Even though she was focused in training and hadn't voiced any concerns Teyla knew his absence was having an impact but she'd refrained from commenting not wanting to overstep any boundaries. It was up to them to realize what she suspected and it wan't her place to interfere but she'd received news that she hoped would go a long way in directing them to the conclusion. "My apologies," her brow furrowed as she offered a gentle smile, "I did not mean to startle you."

"It was my fault." Elizabeth shook herself, mentally clearing the thoughts from her mind. She'd been miles away and was embarrassed to admit they'd been centering around John and Ronon's return. The pair had been gone longer than expected and she couldn't help worrying, despite Doctor Robinson's assurance that a degree of anxiety was normal given the circumstances. "I guess I'm a little preoccupied."

There was uncertainty in her tone betraying exhaustion and Teyla brushed her arm in sympathy. "You haven't been sleeping."

It wasn't a question and Elizabeth inclined her head indicating it was the truth. "I've been having a hard time getting settled." She sensed there wasn't any need to elaborate on the comment. Teyla was both intuitive and intelligent, something she'd always admired, and she was grateful she didn't have to go to great lengths to explain.

"Perhaps you are in need of some company." Teyla made the suggestion subtly drawing to the root of the problem. It wasn't widely discussed but she knew John often checked in on her late at night and she was happy to be a source of support in his absence. "I was planning a meditation session this evening, you are more than welcome to join me."

Elizabeth considered it, a light smile touching her lips in answer. "I'd like that."

Teyla nodded dropping her hand and feeling relieved she could be of some assistance. Her friends tension was palpable but there was light at the end of the tunnel and she glanced behind her to where Evan was waiting in John's office. Hopefully they would be discussing more than just relaxation techniques. "Major Lorne asked that I find you, I believe he has received a transmission from the IOA regarding their decision."

A knot twisted in Elizabeth's stomach, the news coming as a shock and she breathed in deeply trying to quell a rush of nausea. The timing couldn't be a coincidence. They'd clearly waited until John was indisposed to deliver their verdict and she didn't know if that held negative or positive connotations.

Teyla empathized with the reaction but was certain there would be a favorable outcome. Too many people would appose anything less and from what she'd seen the IOA had always bowed down when there was a risk of putting the people in charge offside. "I am certain they will have reached the right conclusion."

Elizabeth didn't share the Athosian's optimism but forced a smile hoping it masked her fears. Being a diplomat meant she had a strong recollection of earth politics and the more she recalled working with the IOA, the less confident she felt about their intentions but the matter was out of her hands. A decision had been made and either way she would have to wear it. "I guess it's time to face the music..." she breathed out lifting her clammy palms from the rail, "wish me luck?"

Teyla's lips curved in response, her expression softening as she regarded the women. "You do not need it."

Elizabeth nodded hoping it would turn out to be true as she made her way to John's office. Each step was painfully slow, fueling a sense of dread that further hampered her progress until it was unavoidable. Eventually she reached the door to find Lorne already waiting for her, perched against the desk with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Doctor Weir." He greeted her knowing the controlled facade wasn't going to hold up for long. Even though technically he was her superior now, he had too much respect for her to stick with formalities and his lips twitched when she took advantage of the fact.

"Major _._ " There was note of warning to her tone as she stopped opposite him, " _Evan_..."

"Elizabeth _._ " It was a futile attempt the keep up the game and his smirk turned into a full fledged grin as he put her out of her misery, "congratulations, the IOA have cleared you and granted permission for your to return to earth along with an official recognition of your return to service and a personal thank you for your patience and cooperation."

It was a mouthful and he stole a breath watching as the recognition flashed across her face. She looked like a deer trapped in headlights and he cleared the humor from his throat reaching down to the desk, "there's one more thing... Colonel Sheppard put in a proposal with his first recommendation, a sort-of 'just in case' type scenario." She looked confused and he picked up the folder knowing it should have been Sheppard doing the honors. It would have been a lot more pertinent coming from the man himself but he was glad to be able to deliver the news in the man's place. "It's a position as lead negotiator in Atlanian operations. The IOA agreed your experience is invaluable and approved it this morning," he handed over the documents with a wink, "just in case you do want to stick around for a bit."

Her hand trembled slightly as she flipped open the folder, trying to take in the ramifications of the offer as she skimmed over the information. It was more than she'd been expecting but it was exactly what she'd wanted; a choice, something she finally had control over. "I... I don't know what to say."

"Essentially you'd be in charge of drawing up and signing off on all negotiations," he filled in the blanks for her, " then any spare time would be shared between research departments and helping out where necessary." He watched her gaze dart up and smiled reassuringly, folding his arms over his chest. "There's no rush to make a decision, take your time... I think the IOA owe you at least that much."

"I... this is-" her mouth hung open slightly as she struggled to convey her gratitude. She honestly didn't know how to thank him and an unexpected sting burned her gaze urging her attention back to the document.

Amusement touched Evan's features as he watched her still feeling slightly guilty Sheppard had missed out on the reaction. The lengths he'd gone to getting the proposal approved, including various written and verbal testaments, had been a challenge particularly for someone so adverse to paperwork. "I'm just the messenger Sheppard did all the hard stuff."

Her expression softened in response to his name and Evan toyed with the idea of being a little less subtle. It was clear the Colonel hadn't just been acting out of a sense of duty. There'd always been a bond between, an unspoken need to look out for one and other right from the beginning, and he'd carefully respected that it wasn't any of his business but a lot had changed since then. They weren't governed by the same level of nativity or blinded by the wonders of an ancient city. They'd built a home in Atlantis and, in his own opinion, the rarity of a second chance was worth acting on. "You know he's got a thing for you right?"

Elizabeth snapped her gaze up not sure she'd heard him correctly and frowned doing a double take, "excuse me?"

"Sheppard-" he clarified, the confusion in her face pulling his lips into a smirk, "you know, the guy who runs this place? Likes Ferris wheels and hates clowns, has ridiculously amazing hair."

She stared at him her mouth hanging limply in response and he shook his head letting out a throaty chuckle. "Come on, you can't honestly stand there and pretend like you don't know."

Her eyes widened at his candor, her cheeks flushing at the insinuation. She couldn't deny the two of them were close but their relationship had never steered away from anything other than platonic. Unless she counted a few stray late night thoughts which she definitely, one hundred percent did not. "We're friends Evan-" she jumped in a little too forcefully and quickly cleared her throat, "I can assure you that's all it is."

"Well just so you know if Zelenka ever looked at me like that I'd seriously question which side of the team he was batting for." He grinned widely but the look she shot back urged him away from making any further comments. Right now she had enough to focus on and he lifted his hand in mock surrender before reaching out to give her arm a quick squeeze, "you'll grab me if you want to go over anything?"

She nodded, her head still spinning from the offer and its ramifications. It was a big decision, something she had no intention of rushing into and she fingered the folder relived that the smirk had dropped from his face. She cared about John, about everyone in Atlantis, but it wasn't just about her personal feelings and friendships.

She had to do what was right for her.

No matter how easy or difficult the choice was to make.

-X-


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

* * *

"Got you the Chicken one." Ronon tossed the MRE down by the fire, sitting on the log opposite Sheppard as he tore open his own pack. They were three days away from the main village, down to rations and he didn't miss the look of irritation that settled on the Colonel's face.

"They all taste like chicken." John poked the campfire with his stick turning his head away as the embers scattered by his feet. He was cold, wet and exhausted. The combination coming as an unpleasant reminder that he wasn't as young or as fit as he used to be.

Ronon snorted emptying his canteen into the makeshift pot and mixing it with the powdered jerky. The man's enthusiasm had begun to waver with the turn of weather but the light rain had taken the chill out of the air and they'd managed to find a reasonably dry place to set up camp. All in all he figured it could be worse. "Last night-" he offered hoping it would put him in a better mood, "we head back in the morning."

John nodded, disguising the yawn that pulled his lips as a sigh. It wasn't that he hadn't been enjoying himself. The change of pace had been a welcome distraction but the last couple of nights his mind had started wandering back to city, more specifically to Elizabeth, and he chided himself for not having a better handle on his emotions. "Sorry, I know I'm cranky." It was a genuine apology and he shook his head, absently drawing a line in the sand, " I didn't get much sleep last night, you mind if I take last watch?"

Ronon shoved the pot over the heat swishing its contents as he shrugged, "sure... but you're making breakfast." The banter fell heavily between them and he kept his focus split between the man and his food. Obviously it wasn't just lack of sleep that was weighing on him and he raised an eyebrow through he doubted it was visible through the darkness. "You want to talk about it?"

John stiffened, his hand stalling mid circle as he attempted to avoid the question. "Not really."

Ronon lowered the metal further into the flame dropping it against the makeshift wall with a loud clang. He wasn't big on prying, didn't really see the point. If people wanted to talk they would but then again Sheppard wasn't most people. "This about Weir?"

John flinched not wanting to admit the truth but it was getting harder to avoid and part of him blamed her for opening the floodgates. He'd been doing just fine suppressing his emotions until she'd come back.

"I guess you could say that, more or less..."

Despite the awkwardness a low hum caught the back of his throat, the sound non-committal as it hit the air between them. What was he supposed to say, that she wasn't Elizabeth but he couldn't seem make the distinction anymore? That at some point she'd started feeling more like _his_ Elizabeth and not the women he remembered. It was complicated and he tossed the stick aside running a hand up through his hair in frustration, "what if I'm screwing this up... she needs support, stability and I can't... I'm not good at _this_ -"

He waved his hand motioning to the conversation between them and Ronon lent forward resting his elbows over his knees. From where he was sitting the doubt seemed ridiculous. If anything he'd gone above and beyond to prove he could be there to support her and so far neither of them had shown any sign of it being a problem. "Looks like you're doing okay to me."

John nodded mutely, pushing down the fear as he picked up the discarded MRE. He still couldn't stomach the thought of eating but it offered a distraction and he tapped the bag absently against his leg to break the silence. He had no idea _what_ he was doing but it seemed to make a lot more sense back in Atlantis, rather than out in the middle of nowhere freezing to death.

Ronon sensed the man's frustration and cracked his knuckles trying to relieve his own tension. There was a time once when he wouldn't have shied away from giving advice but losing his wife had gutted him, both figuratively and almost literally, when the Wraith had captured him soon after. He'd been jaded for a long time refusing to let anybody in and while the pain was still raw it had dulled enough to draw insight from. "You don't want to lose her again."

The quiet truth stabbed painfully through John's chest. If she was allowed to stay on Atlantis, if she chose to stay, then their roles would be reversed. She'd be the one out putting her life on the line each day and he could barely stand the idea but it was part of his job. He wasn't allowed to be bias, he needed to remain impartial no matter how personal his feelings became. "I'm responsible for everyone in that city," he swallowed the realization finding he was already dangerously close to crossing a line, "if I had to let her go again I don't... I'm afraid of what I might do."

Ronon dropped his head replaying the moment they'd been forced to leave her behind the first time. He'd panicked thinking Sheppard wasn't going to run, digging his nails in so hard he was sure he'd drawn blood, but the man had only moved when Weir had ordered him to go.

When he'd instructed McKay to hit the killswitch on the nanites it had been because she'd asked him to do it.

Ronon knew the danger wasn't Sheppard reacting, it was how he'd live with himself after and he pulled the pot from the fire giving it a shake as he glanced up over the flames. "You'd do the right thing."

The statement was backed with confidence and John reached up scrubbing the side of his face as heat pricked his neck. The assurance was appreciated but he didn't know if it was warranted and he brought the hand down ghosting it over his thigh. "How do you know?"

Ronon gave a gruff shrug as if it was obvious. In his experience loving someone meant doing everything possible to avoid disappointing them and Sheppard had already shown he was willing to make that sacrifice. It was a no brainier and his mouth formed a loose smirk as the answer pushed from his lips, "because if you didn't she'd never forgive you."

The simple reasoning eased the weight resting on John's shoulders and he breathed out slowly, finding comfort in the logic. It was true; he'd never be able to put her safety above Atlantis and live with the consequences.

He just prayed he'd never be in another position where he had to prove it.

-X-


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

* * *

John crossed his arms leaning heavily against the doorway of the gym as he eyes fixed on the two occupants inside. He was exhausted but couldn't draw his gaze from the women sparring, mesmerized by Teyla's fluid motion and Elizabeth's counter measures. They both continued back and forth unaware of his presence as Ronon appeared by his side and he kept his eyes trained on them mumbling mumbling under his breath, "You know, I think I've had this dream before."

A smirk tugged at the Satedan's lips as he watched the two women clashing sticks. Lorne had told them about Weir as soon as they'd stepped through the gate and Sheppard had been unsurprisingly impatient complaining about having to get checked out and disappearing from the infirmary as soon as he'd been cleared. After a quick shower it hadn't taken advanced tracking skills to locate the man; find Weir, find Sheppard.

He cocked an eyebrow mimicking the Colonel's stance when the doctor suddenly lost her footing, hitting the mat hard. The sound reverberated throughout the room and his arm shot out to keep Sheppard in place, his expression staying neutral as Teyla spotted them. It was her lesson and he gave a nod indicating they wouldn't interrupt without permission.

The Athosian ghosted a smile silently thanking him as she extended her hand down to Elizabeth, "I am sorry, are you injured?"

Elizabeth shook her head trying to catch her breath as she accepted the help up. It was appreciated and her lips curved gently as she rolled back onto her feet. "Just a little winded-" she assured brushing herself off, "I'll be fine in a second."

"I believe we have covered enough today." Teyla's gaze soften as her eyes drifted back to where Ronon and John were stood waiting. She appreciated they hadn't interrupted and saw no reason to further delaying the welcoming. "It would seem with have company."

Elizabeth glanced back, her smile widening as she spotted the two men poised in the doorway. It was relief to see them returned in one piece and she brought her hands together respectfully bowing to end the session.

The Athosian returned the gesture, hiding her amusement as she lifted her head to grant John permission to enter. He moved instantly, striding purposefully across the floor and she greeted the approach with a warm nod, "Colonel... it is good to see you both. How did the preparations go?"

John paused in front of Elizabeth scanning her body for any signs of discomfort but she seemed fine and he relaxed slightly until he became aware of the sets of eyes all staring at him. It prompted him to realize Teyla had asked a question and he quickly cleared his throat trying to hide a rush of embarrassment. "They were good, _fine_... shouldn't have any problem keeping stock for the winter. In fact if we start to run low I know where they're keeping to good stuff."

"Hopefully it will not come to that." There was a note of teasing behind the tone but it went unnoticed as his attention shifted back to Elizabeth and Teyla caught Ronon's bemused expression with one of her own. Clearly he'd also picked up on their friends vibe but she shook her head urging him to remain silent on the matter.

"So... I hear congratulations are in order." John spoke first, bouncing on the balls of his feet as Elizabeth inclined her head with a soft smile. Lorne had confirmed she wasn't going anywhere in a hurry and that she'd already accepted the new position, all they had to do now was seal the deal. "The locals sent us home with some moonshine, I'm thinking we use the rec-room to celebrate?"

She hesitated for a moment not sure it was wise to host a party with alcohol but his enthusiasm was contagious and she found herself nodding in agreement.

"Great!" He clapped his hands together, angling his wrist to check the time, "an hour give you ladies enough time to get cleaned up?"

The two women motioned in unison and he dropped his arm ignoring the slight twinge in his muscles. Physically he was exhausted but an impromptu party was exactly what they all needed; a chance to unwind and take stock of things actually going right for once. "Then it's settled, we'll reconvene at eighteen hundred in the rec-room."

Silent agreement passed between them, though no one made any attempt to leave, and Teyla regarded the standoff with veiled amusement. Only she and Ronon had picked up on the slight awkwardness. John was too fixated on Elizabeth to notice and the doctor was equally distracted, pinning him with the same level of intensity. It was their own way of communicating, familiar to Teyla since the beginning, and she cleared her throat urging Ronon to follow her lead. "We shall go and... inform the others of the plan."

John was only vaguely aware of their exit stealing a deep breath as the full impact of the situation slowly started to sink in. It was over. No more second guessing or uncertainties, Elizabeth was now fully reinstated and for the moment staying in Atlantis. It was almost too much to process but when the door whooshed shut behind him the sound jolted his senses. He needed to say something and the first words that sprung to life were from his previously sidelined concern. "I saw that hit, you sure you're okay?"

She ducked her head sheepishly, embarrassed he'd witness the fall. It had been the first time she'd let her attention slip during the lesson and part of her mused that perhaps she'd been subconsciously aware of his arrival, though it had probably been more likely the result of tiredness. "I'm fine... ego's a bit bruised but that's all."

Even if she wasn't he doubted she'd admit it but the reassurance was still taken into consideration as his eyes raked her body. She didn't seem to be holding herself any differently or in any immediate pain. If anything she seemed more relaxed and he appreciated the sight, his gaze lingering a little longer than necessary.

She blushed a little under the scrutiny, trying to convince herself that the lasting look didn't hold any other connotations; it was simple concern. Though when she cleared her throat she was surprised to find a flash of embarrassment in his expression. It wasn't something she didn't dare think about and a tentative smile found its way onto her lips. "I should go and get ready... don't want to be late for my own party."

The curve of her mouth stirred something inside his chest and he reached out closing his fingers gently around her wrist to keep her from leaving. It was an instinctive reaction, one he should have defended but the physical need to touch her was stronger than his ability to rationalize the action. Maybe it was to remind himself she was real, that she wasn't going anywhere or maybe it was just because he'd missed her but the desire was impossible to ignore and he tugged her closer, dropping her hand and wrapping his arms loosely around her back. She responded by leaning into the hug and he squeezed her shoulders, possibly a little too tightly, as he fought the urge to keep hold of her.

When he pulled back, surprise flickered across her features but she kept it hidden. The sentiment was easily justifiable. He was obviously glad to be home and she gave his arm a quick squeeze returning her own relief. "It's nice to have you back."

"Likewise." There was an undertone to the comment that spread warmly throughout his body as he motioned with a 'ladies first' type wave towards the door.

It wasn't going to be the same. They'd both changed too much since first stepping through the gate to Atlantis but there was an air of excitement that came with the unknown. It was a new order, a new beginning and whatever happened next; they'd be facing it together.

-X-


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

* * *

Rodney downed another shot, spluttering and making a face as Ronon clapped him firmly on the back. When Jennifer threw him a look that unequivocally stated she wasn't going to be sympathetic when he woke up with a hangover he rolled his eyes at the unspoken allegation. "It's a party!"

"I'll remind you of that tomorrow." She shook her head at the antics but gave in as he wrapped a clumsy arm around her waist, leaning back despite the stench of booze that made her eyes water. At some point during the night Ronon had challenged her boyfriend to a drinking contest and managed to out-drink him at every opportunity, making her wonder exactly how many brain cells Rodney had lost in the process. "You realize he's at least twice your size?"

"Three times." The Satedan interjected, throwing a smug smile their way.

Rodney snorted at the comment and nodded towards the couch where Sheppard had passed out. "At least I'm doing better than sleeping beauty over there."

"Aye, poor man seemed exhausted." Carson followed McKay's gaze to where the Colonel was sleeping, his brows furrowing together in concern. It wasn't like to the lad to miss out on a party and he wondered if there was any sense in trying to order the man to bed. Knowing the man's notorious stubbornness, probably not.

"Didn't sleep much while we were gone." Ronon brought his drink up, spilling its contents when Teyla elbowed him sharply in the ribs and he grunted in protest shrugging off the glare she shot him in.

"I'm sure Colonel Sheppard would prefer we did not discuss his sleeping habits." Even though they were in the company of friends she didn't know how many of them had pieced together what was going on between John and Elizabeth and out of respect she didn't think it was appropriate to openly speculate.

Ronon clearly didn't have the same sense of tact. "Where is Weir anyway?"

Teyla resisted the urge to roll her eyes not sure if he was being purposely annoying or if it was the alcohol causing his loose tongue. Either way it didn't matter, the slip seemed to go unnoticed and she shook her head breathing out a sigh, "Elizabeth is out getting some air, perhaps you should join her?"

"Nah think I'll pass." He downed the the last of his drink, waving the cup as he dared McKay to another round. "Think you can handle it?" A smirk tugged his lips as he watched the scientist puff his chest at the taunt.

Jennifer barely had time to steady herself as Rodney disappeared but the enthusiasm brought a smile to her face. It wasn't the smartest way to blow off steam but they'd all had been dealing with an up-haul of emotions since Elizabeth's return and she glanced at John knowing Rodney wasn't the only one struggling to deal with residual guilt. "Think we should wake him?"

"I believe so." Teyla inclined her head, excusing herself from the small group to take on the task. They were all accustomed to sleeping where and when time permitted and she knelt down aware it wouldn't take much to rouse him. "John _?_ "

He snapped awake, breathing in sharply as his gaze fell to the women beside him. She was smiling warmly and it took him a moment to get his bearings, his face flushing with embarrassment when he realized he must have fallen asleep. "I was ah, just resting my eyes."

Her lips curved gently. "Of course."

The tact was appreciated and he sat up a little straighter, his gaze instinctively drawn to the other side of the room where McKay and Ronon were doing shots. It was something he definitely hadn't been expecting and he rubbed his eyes doing a double take. "I'm not seeing things right, that's actually happening?"

Teyla glanced over her shoulder and shook her head as Ronon loudly encouraged the scientist to take another drink. It was hardly a fair competition but they were both grown men capable of making their own decisions and she turned her attention back to John with a smirk. "Unfortunately yes, though I feel they may both come to regret it tomorrow morning."

He nodded in agreement scrubbing his face to shake the lingering tiredness. It had to be close to midnight and his eyes scanned the remaining occupants noting an obvious absence that pulled his lips into a confused frown. "Where's Elizabeth?"

His voice was groggy and she brushed his arm reassuringly as she rose to full height. Even though Elizabeth had told her not to worry she felt better knowing John would most likely want to check up on her. "Outside getting some air... however I'm sure she would appreciate some company."

The hint was subtle prompting him to force a smile as he pushed himself up. She'd always been able to read his concern and his gaze quickly washed back over the commotion in the corner. "Will you be okay with those two?"

"I will see to it they get to bed safely." She gave him a knowing wink, having dealt with Ronon when he was in a far worse state. At least this time there was a limited supply of alcohol though she was fairly certain the game would end with Rodney either giving up or passing out. At the rate they were going it was more likely to be the latter.

John patted her shoulder in thanks, lifting the hand to mock salute his senior medical staff members. No doubt they'd have something to say about getting more sleep but it was a conversation to refute tomorrow and he quietly slipped from the room, his feet leading him up towards the the balcony in search of Elizabeth.

-X-

* * *

-X-

Elizabeth stared out at the horizon watching clouds form under the dark night sky. She'd noticed the days getting shorter, signalling the end of the warmer weather and she gave an involuntary shiver as the door whooshed open and John's voice sounded behind her.

"Looks like McKay might be right about that storm."

"Is he ever wrong?" She asked, her gaze still focused on the waves crashing and rolling in the distance. The sea had become more choppy, stirring hesitant memories and she breathed out slowly letting go of the need to recall them.

"Definitely... well, sometimes... at least four out of ten times." He stepped out onto the balcony and the breeze felt cool against his flushed skin, countering the effects of the local moonshine. He hadn't had that much to drink but the stuff was clearly potent and he brushed his cheek feeling a little light headed as he closed the distance between them.

She turned her head, smiling up at his mop of unruly hair. "Not tired huh?"

"Yeah, sorry about that," he cleared his throat trying to hide his embarrassment, "guess it all just caught up with me."

She didn't blame him for falling asleep. He had to be exhausted and she let go of the rail leaning back so she could study the lines betraying his tiredness. She knew it wasn't just the mission that had worn him out, he'd been going above and beyond defending her to the IOA and her lips curved graciously at the lengths he'd gone to. "You never mentioned the proposal?"

He buried his hands in his pockets, casting his eyes out over the ocean. He'd been expecting her to ask but still wasn't entirely sure what to say, he'd just been doing his job. The fact it had panned out had been down to people with a lot more jurisdiction than himself, including Homeland Security. "I didn't want to say anything until it went through, just in case... but I... I'm glad you said yes."

She ducked her head hoping he wouldn't notice the warmth spreading over her cheeks. In the end it hadn't been a hard decision, the only difficult part had been waiting for him to return so she could tell him. "You know, I was kind of expecting you to come back wearing a bow and arrow."

He scoffed at the image, the reality of the sport not exactly what he'd been expecting. It had become apparent fairly early on that patience was a key requirement; unfortunately he didn't deal so well enduring boredom. "You should come with us next time."

She cocked an eyebrow at the suggestion. Understanding the need to kill for food was a lot different to staring at a furry face about to become dinner and until it was necessary for survival she was more than happy living off the rations in Atlantis. "I'm a pacifist remember?"

"Well, you wouldn't have to hunt-" he suggested thinking up alternatives, "there's nice long hikes, camping by the fire, stargazing." She shot him an amused look and he cleared his throat realizing it had started to sound more like he was describing a couples retreat. " _Anyway..."_ he stretched against the rail quickly changing the subject, "how were things here while we were gone?"

"Well nobody attacked us, the city didn't sink and as far as I know Rodney didn't blow up any more solar systems." She expected him to react to the joke but he tensed hesitantly and her brows drew together at sudden the shift. It felt like a complete one-eighty and she was surprised when his voice came out sounding a little strained.

"I wasn't asking about McKay..." he swallowed his awkwardness to hint at the obvious, "I meant, were you okay?"

Her mouth formed a slight o-shape and she breathed in finding it difficult to answer. Physically she'd been fine but emotionally she'd struggled with the fact his absence had left her feeling vulnerable. It was an issue she needed to address on her own and the truth felt too raw to admit even with the buzz of alcohol urging it closer to her lips. Instead she responded with a gentle shrug of her shoulders, "never better."

A sigh pulled from his lips, pushing up against the invisible barrier that rested heavily between them. By most definitions a week wasn't a long time but the fact she was lying made him conscious of the transition that had taken place and his resolve not to let it interfere. She had, and would always be, his equal no matter what it said on a piece of paper somewhere. "You're still allowed to talk to me you know."

She inclined her head towards him testing a small smile,"you think it's that simple?"

"If we want it to be." He glanced across at her trying to uncomplicate the situation. There was no reason why anything had to change. They were friends and they shouldn't have to take a step back just for appearances sake. He didn't want that and a note of humor edged into his tone as he held her gaze, "I'm in charge so technically I get to make the rules."

A sound that could have almost been a laugh caught in her throat and she relaxed slightly, extending her arms to mimic his position. It had gotten colder but she ignored the wind, wrestling with the truth instead. "It's nothing really, I haven't been sleeping well that's all."

He nodded trying to gauge how far to push her. They were both tired but that wasn't a reason to run, if anything it was even more reason to address the silence between them. He'd barely slept at all the last few days and the reason had nothing to do with uncomfortable camping beds. "I had the same problem-" he bit the inside of his cheek as the admittance fell free, "couldn't shake the feeling something was missing."

She swallowed roughly, almost too scared to engage the comment. It didn't matter if he felt the same pull between them, given the circumstances it wasn't appropriate to read into it and she raised an eyebrow trying to steer him away from saying something they'd both regret. "Forget to pack a turkey sandwich, huh?"

He ducked his head as the first few droplets of rain fell, palming the rail thoughtfully. He didn't want to ignore what was happening between them but knew he was close to admitting more than he should and maybe she was right, maybe going there when they were both tired and a little drunk was a mistake. " _Yeah..._ " he breathed out softly, "something like that."

An awkward silence fell between them and she held herself tightly wondering if they'd been kidding themselves thinking it could be simple. Easy perhaps, but that only made it more dangerous and she internally debated with herself before reaching down to skim her hand over his knuckles. It was meant to be a brief touch, to show she would always care, but the warmth ignited a spark and she locked their fingers together over the rail with a hesitant sigh; so much for being easy.

He froze at the contact, not sure how to read the signal, until the cold feel of her skin broke through the fog clouding his brain. Her fingers were frozen and he withdrew his hand changing their positions so his back was shielding her against the wind. "We should head inside, you're freezing."

"I'm fine." Stubbornness answered for her and she warmed under his gaze, the heat contrasting the needling pain stinging her arms. He was right as she was about to concede when he started shrugging out of his jacket. "John really, you don't need to-"

"Humor me." He pulled it off, wrapping it around her shoulders and drawing it to a tight close over her chest. She made no attempt to take hold of it, didn't so much as move a muscle except to breathe and their sudden proximity slammed him harder than the icy wind drumming into his back. Heat flushed the front of his body as he watched their breaths entangle, the white clouds mixing together in the cold and he swallowed roughly at the teasing distance between them. "Elizabeth, _I_ -"

A loud roar of thunder boomed overhead and she let out a gasp as sheets of freezing cold rain opened up above them them. It felt like knives splintering her skin and he instinctively grabbed her hand, regret aching in his chest as dragged them out of the downpour and into the safety of the control room.

"Guess Rodney was right," he grumbled, wiping the water from his face as he shook himself off. Of course the scientist had been right. There wasn't anyone in the universe -Pegasus or otherwise- with worse timing than McKay and he bit back a frustrated sigh as he brushed the droplets of rain from his hair. "You should get changed... I'm going to stay, make sure this thing isn't going to go south."

She nodded shivering slightly as she peeled off his jacket. Something about the comment made her wary, stirring a hazy memory of Atlantis enduring brutal weather before but the images were vague and hard to place. She couldn't quite reach them and shrugged off the uneasy feeling as she handed back the item of clothing.

It would pass; just like the storm would.

-X-


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

* * *

John flinched as a roll of thunder echoed through the control room, glancing at McKay as he rushed up the stairs. The scientist was frantically tapping on his console and he didn't bother masking his frustration at the overflowing buckets scattered throughout the control room. "I thought you said this wasn't going to be a problem!"

"I said it wasn't a _super_ storm." Rodney stopped, lowering the tablet to grasp the stitch in his side. There wasn't enough lightning to manually active the shield and he'd been run off his feet trying to minimize the damages, hesitant to waste their ZPM because of a few leaky sectors. "It's not going to get any worse, we just need to sit tight for the next hour or so."

John breathed out sharply trying to ignore the tension building behind his temples. He had a group of scientists stranded in the lower west-wing, reports of flooding from all over the city and interference was making communication damn near impossible. It might not be a super storm but it was still creating a massive headache.

"Sir, I think I may have located Doctor Weir." Banks interrupted them turning her screen so they could see it, "there's a life sign down by one of the grounding stations, hasn't moved for a while now." She pointed to the dot suspecting it was the missing doctor. Everyone else was either active and accounted for or holed up in one of designated areas making it highly likely the pulsing circle was Weir.

John frowned briefly diverting his attention from the other contending problems to address the technician. Doctor Robinson had called nearly an hour ago asking if he'd seen Elizabeth and the question had left a knot of concern in his stomach. Even though the psychiatrist had expressed there was no reason to be worried she hadn't exactly been convincing and now he knew why. "Try to see if you can get her on the coms again."

Rodney stepped up to the screen and glanced at Sheppard his expression shifting between surprise and confusion. It was the same grounding station that Kolya had ordered them too, something he'd been actively trying not to think about given their current situation and an involuntary shiver ran down his spine in response. "Look, I know I said it's not a super storm but that's the last place anyone should be right now."

John glanced at Banks who shook her head in response. He didn't know if it was interference or if Elizabeth had deliberately turned off her radio but he wasn't going to take any chances and directed his attention back to the scientist. "Zelenka needs you in the West Pier, you can bypass the grounding station on the way there."

"Wait, _what?_ " Rodney flustered at the suggestion, "they're not even remotely close to each other. Do you know how long it's going to take just to get to the-"

"McKay!" John drew in a sharp sigh leaving no room for argument. If he'd had a choice he would have gone himself but the control room had the strongest signal and he was stuck trying to coordinate efforts across the city.

Rodney rolled his eyes, gaze darting to the sheets of rain battering the windows outside. He'd been hoping to avoid the tremulous weather conditions this time around and breathed out a huff as he fumbled with the zip on his jacket. If it had been anyone else he would have exercised his right to protest but the fact it was Elizabeth made him reluctantly agree to the plan. "Tell Zelenka I'll get there as soon as I can."

John nodded watching McKay's retreating form as he switched from his coms to the radio handset he'd given out to all senior staff. It was slightly more effective and he tried raising the Czech scientist, doing his best to ignore the unease clawing at his throat. Everything was going to be fine he just had to keep it together long enough to get everyone through the worst of it.

-X-

* * *

-X-

" _Elizabeth!_ " Rodney called out through the teaming rain, drawing his arms together as he huddled under the flimsy cover trying to get her attention. She was standing out on the platform, her hands gripping the rail and he flinched as lightening struck illuminating the choppy sea around her. The storm would be over them in minutes and shouting was getting him nowhere, the sound barely audible over the load roar of wind.

With a deep breath he ignored common sense, trying not to slip as he clambered down to the lower level and out into the freezing conditions. It wasn't until he landed directly beside her that he tried yelling again. "You know we're in the middle of a storm right!"

Elizabeth snapped her head round, her eyes shifting from shock to confusion as she stared at him. She could barely remember leaving her session with Eva, let alone how she'd gotten outside and flinched at the concern etched in his features. She'd been so consumed by her memories, lost in the terrifying images, that the storm hadn't registered and the gravity of the situation suddenly found a slamming foothold. "We should go inside!"

"Funny, I was just going to say the same thing!" He stepped back letting her take the lead, placing his hand against the small of her back as they navigated across the landing. When they made it safely inside he jogged on the spot, locking his jaw to try and control the shivers wracking his body.

"Rodney, I'm so sorry-" heat flushed her face as she hugged herself tightly, fighting a rush of embarrassment as her teeth chattered, "I didn't realize... I don't know... what I was thinking."

A sarcastic retort jumped to his mouth but Sheppard's voice burst through his handheld cutting him off.

 _["McKay, did you find Elizabeth?"]_

He rolled his eyes struggling to get his freezing hands to work the radio and when he found the button he didn't bother trying to mask his frustration, "she's here, give us a second would you." He lowered the device muttering as he shook his head, "guy's like a dog with a bone."

She didn't respond to the comment and his annoyance shifted to concern, his eyes searching hers for any indication she was okay. Clearly she wasn't. She was beyond pale, visibly shaking but somehow still managed to fix him with a stubborn nod that offered a slight reassurance. At least enough to relay back to Sheppard. "She says she's fine. How's Zelenka doing?"

 _["They've got flooding in the lower corridors so you'll have to find another way up there. I'll let them know you're thirty out."]_

The transmission cut off and he threw his hand up in defeat, "what does he expect me to do, fly?"

The quip fell heavily between them and he swallowed roughly not sure how to handle their current standoff. He could just leave that much was obvious but he didn't know what to say and took an instinctive step closer to her. "I can take you down to the infirmary or back up to the control room? Sheppard's there, he can-"

"Rodney I'm fine, go." She forced a tight smile as another image rammed her memory, this time of him standing between herself and Koyla's gun. It was all coming back, cashing in waves but it was something she had to deal with herself. She'd already caused the team enough worry and she steeled herself motioning for him to follow the order.

He reluctantly nodded and guilt wormed its way through her chest as he picked up the radio, trying to get a hold of Zelenka. She had her memories back but at what cost, more reasons to lie awake fearful? Pushing herself had been a lapse in judgment and she shivered swallowing the tight lump in her throat.

She needed to get warm; she just hoped it was going to be easier the second time around.

-X-


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

* * *

" _Okaaay..._ " Rodney drew out the syllable as pressed down on the console, "that should be everything back online." Three lights flashed green confirming the analysis and he sighed in relief dropping heavily into the nearest chair.

"Great." John tried but failed to sound enthusiastic as he ticked the item from his tablet and checked his watch. It was close to midnight but critical systems were just the first in a long line of problems he was still trying to work through. "Another hour of inventory in sector C and we should be back on track for tomorrow or at least on the way."

He turned on his heel ready to head down to the section when the scientist called him to a stop. For once he actually sympathised with the man's need for food and sleep. "It's fine McKay-" his brows furrowed as he tapped the screen again, "get some rest, you've earned it."

Rodney pushed up from the chair moving around the console to where the Colonel was engrossed in the electronic device. It was true he'd gone above and beyond to keep systems from failing and he was happy to take credit but that wasn't the reason he'd interjected. "Hmmm, yes well... I did single-handedly get us through this without having to raise the shield but that wasn't what I was going to say."

John was only half listening, his attention divided until McKay snatched the tablet from his hands. " _Hey_ , what are you-"

"I've got this." Rodney's eyes scanned the list and even though his muscles protested the idea of more work he ignored the discomfort keeping his gaze fixed on the screen. "You should go and check on Elizabeth-" he hurried out the offer hoping the quick dismissal would disguise the fact he was worried. He hadn't wanted to admit it but the storm had brought back bad memories for both of them and he felt a lot better knowing there was someone to keep an eye on her.

John opened his mouth but promptly closed it again, trying to decipher the man's tight expression. It was the first time throughout the day he'd worn a genuine troubled look and John hesitated drawing his brows together in concern. "You sure you're up for it?"

"It's inventory how hard can it be?"

The quip was laced with sarcasm and he caught Sheppard's probing gaze with a sigh; apparently there was such a thing as being too humble.

" _Look-_ " he risked glancing up, albeit briefly, "I'd go myself but in case you haven't noticed I'm not exactly good at making people feel better. Besides you guys have your thing going on, so..." he trailed off shifting his attention back to the list in his hand.

John straightened not sure he wanted to ask what 'thing' McKay was talking about but ultimately decided it wasn't worth the headache. All that mattered was the offer seemed genuine and he clapped the scientist's shoulder with a small smile. "Thanks, I owe you one."

Rodney shrugged, breathing out an indignant hum as the man stepped back but curiosity lifted his eye-line to the Colonel's retreating form. It prodded a memory of the day they'd shipped Elizabeth's personal effects back to Earth, causing him to shiver, and he lowered the tablet suddenly losing interest in its readings. "You really care about her don't you?"

John froze at the question the weight of it bearing down and routing his feet firmly in place. He cared about a lot of people. In his mind he liked to think it was the same thing but the silence and stillness of his body betrayed the lie. Fortunately McKay had the sense not to push the reaction and realizing it was enough of an answer he forced himself to move leaving the ambiguity behind him.

He did care, _too_ much.

It had hit with alarming speed right before the storm had broken and though it had died down since it was still niggling his thoughts and creating concern when there wasn't time for distractions. Elizabeth had assured him she was fine and his job required him to believe it but as he navigated the long winding turns to her quarters, nerves started to build in his stomach.

He didn't know if he was overstepping, being too protective or if he should have checked in hours ago and the doubt crept in as he approached the flashing sensor indicating the door was unlocked. He tried his radio frowning slightly when the call went unanswered. It took another two failed attempts before he settled on a decision and waved his hand, the familiar whoosh providing no sense of comfort as he edged over the threshold.

It was dark inside urging him to be cautious and he squinted just able to make out her silhouette under the light streaming in through the open curtain. She was on the bed curled with her back towards the door and he risked another few steps, driven by the scratchy sound breathing that filled the small space. The noise made him uneasy and he neared the mattress freezing as his eyes adjusted enough to recognize the standard issue towel wrapped around her body.

A sharp order not to look down flew through his head but his brain ignored the command and his cheeks flushed as his gaze ran the length of her legs. It shouldn't have been a problem, he was there purely out of concern, but embarrassment rushed down his neck and he panicked backing up to try and get out of the situation as quickly as possible.

When he stumbled catching his knee on the corner of her desk it was almost comical and he swore loudly as white hot pins and needles shot through his joint. The commotion caused her to roll over and clenched his jaw, preparing a more eloquent escape, but her soft whimper kept him from executing the move. It sounded like she was in pain and he limped closer bothered by a sheen of sweat glistening her brow.

Forgetting his hesitation he reached over and dropped his hand feeling a wave of heat beneath his fingertips. She mumbled incoherently in protest and he quickly withdrew his arm eyeing the edge of mattress. There was just enough room to perch and he lowered himself giving her a gentle nudge. " _Elizabeth_?"

She didn't respond to the call and concern tugged his mouth into a tight frown. Warmth was radiating from her skin but he didn't want to call Carson, not without at least waking her first, and he tried shaking her a little more firmly. "'Lizbeth, come on... it's time to wake up."

Her breathing shifted becoming more erratic and he tensed flinching when she suddenly bolted upright, trying desperately to claw her way out of the bedding. Afraid she was going to hurt herself he quickly pinned her wrists and dragged her against his chest, holding on tightly as he whispered into her ear, "Elizabeth it's _me,_ it's okay you're safe... It was a nightmare that's all."

She stilled at the sound of his voice, confusion driving painfully through her temples as she tried to get her bearings. She'd been dreaming about Kolya, memories that refused to stay buried and her panic eased as reality started cementing around her. John was here; she was safe and Kolya couldn't hurt either of them anymore.

John edged back waving on the lights and leaving them at a low setting as he took in her pale features. She looked exhausted despite the fact she'd been asleep and his gaze furrowed as her eyes darted unsteadily around the room. "You okay?"

She nodded trying to focus as her hand collected the sweat clinging to her brow. She couldn't tell if she was hot or freezing and shivered, rubbing her arms to regulate her body temperature as she fought to collect herself.

Concern knotted in his stomach at the attempt to get warm. It was obviously a symptom of the fever and he lifted a finger to his headset hesitating when she warily eyed the movement. It was a look that spoke volumes and he returned the hand to his lap realizing that if he forced her to see Beckett she'd clam up and he'd never get anything out of her. "You got any painkillers?"

Relief rushed through her as she nodded towards the en-suite, "cabinet in the bathroom."

The mattress shifted as he stood up and she scrubbed her face tiredly, trying to piece together what had happened. She remembered the storm... Rodney finding her on the balcony, the cold chill that had settled in her bones refusing to leave and standing for what felt like hours under a burning stream of hot water, then-

Nausea balled in her stomach as she glanced down at the towel hiked up to her thighs.

"Found them."

John's voice sounded behind her and she jumped up clutching the fabric, swallowing sharply as blood rushed to her head causing the room to spin. Spots swam across her vision and she reached out colliding with a strong chest, latching on as an arm snagged around her waist.

"I've got you-" he gripped her tightly, frowning as she steadied herself, "you all right?"

She nodded brushing off the wave of dizziness. "Stood up too fast, I'm fine."

It was a feeble excuse but the close proximity threw off her ability to think of a better one. She was already hyper aware of fingers digging through the towel into her hip, the hold almost possessive, and for split second she entertained what it would be like to be needed by him, _wanted_ by him.

"I should get changed..." she cleared her throat as she scrambled back, surprised to see his cheeks coloring just as quickly as her own.

"I didn't... I'm mean I wasn't-" he stopped himself, swallowing roughly as he spun on his heel to save her modesty. He'd completely forgotten about the state of undress, let alone giving an explanation as to why he was there, and he tugged an errant hand up through his hair as he stumbled over the apology, "the door was unlocked, I heard a noise and I didn't-"

"John, it's okay." Her knuckles eased around the towel as the awkwardness between them died down. She didn't need to see his face to know there was guilt wound tightly in his expression. She could hear it mixing with his concern and a faint curve touched her lips. "Honestly it's fine, just give me a second."

He nodded keeping his back at an angle as she shuffled into the bathroom and when the door closed behind her he didn't move, curling his feet into the ground and breathing out a sigh. It was hard enough trying not to think about her getting changed less than a few feet away, he wasn't going to risk overstepping any more boundaries and he waited until she gave the all clear before turning around. "Sorry..." he caught her gaze, shoving his hands sheepishly into his pockets, "I really did just want to make sure you were okay."

She smiled tugging the sleeves of her jumper and balling her fists to keep in the warmth. "I know, thank you."

He wanted to return the gesture but his lips twitched closer to a frown as she hugged herself tightly. He hated seeing her in pain and extended his arm offering her the bottle of Tylenol. "Here take these." She unscrewed the lid and he couldn't help noticing the slight tremble in her hand as she swallowed two of the pills. It was enough to make him rethink a trip to the infirmary and he broached the subject with all the tact he could muster. "How about letting Beckett or Keller check you over?"

"That an order Colonel?" Dry humour reached her tone as she sat down on the edge of the mattress. Getting poked and prodded was the last thing she needed. It was bad enough she'd run out on her session with Eva, she wasn't ready to face anyone else until she collected herself first.

"Not yet." He toyed with the idea of making it one as he lowered himself beside her on the bed. If she started showing any other symptoms or got any worse he was willing to pull rank but until that happened he was just as concerned by her mental frame of mind. It had been weeks since she'd had any flashbacks and he'd assumed they were through the hardest part. If they weren't he needed to know that her new position wouldn't be affected and more importantly, that she really was okay. "Out there at the grounding station," he glanced up tentatively, "that was about Kolya wasn't it?"

She nodded wishing there was a way around admitting the truth. The memory of Kolya had always been there but patchy, like a film she'd watched once as a kid, and the storm had unlocked it with a vengeance. After that even more memories had rushed to the surface, things that had been missing from the last three years, both good and bad, had suddenly clicked into place but it had all come at a cost.

"Not at first," she spoke softly as she fidgeted with her hands, "little things started to come back after I left you, things like the other me we found in stasis, the Hoffan drug... when you threw Rodney off the balcony."

A hesitant smile touched his lips. "You mean after I shot him?"

"After you tried to shoot him," she added, ducking her head to hide the flicker of humor that crossed her features. She didn't want to talk about it but he needed an explanation and she knew she had to at least try. "It was like I had this new found clarity but when the storm hit I couldn't focus on anything else-" she lifted her gaze stealing a deep breath, "all I could think about was Kolya and I know I shouldn't have gone out to the grounding station, I wasn't thinking... but I swear nothing like that's ever going to happen again."

Despite her guilt he couldn't help the curve that turned the corners of his mouth. The conviction in her voice was the old Elizabeth Weir and it was almost enough to validate her but simply wanting to believe it wasn't enough. He had to be completely sure or else he couldn't risk sending her off-world. "Listen, you've been through a lot. Maybe-"

" _Don't_ ," she quickly cut him off, "I never once patronised you when I was in charge and I'd like the same courtesy in return." The tone was harsh and she immediately regretted it, reaching up to try and ease the headache that had been building since he'd woken her. Brandishing a temper wasn't going to help anyone. if anything it would make things worse and she closed her eyes hoping the pain medication would kick in sooner rather than later.

Concern stopped the defensive comment on the tip of his tongue and he reached across lifting his knuckles to her forehead. She was still warm but seemed to relax under the touch and he let his fingers linger for a moment, before dropping the hand with a calm voice. "You always made decisions based on what was best for me and my team... I didn't always agree with them either, remember?"

"That's because you were stubborn." She opened her eyes relieved to see a flash of amusement in his gaze. It helped ease the tension between them and she risked taking it one step further, "actually you still are."

A smirk tugged his lips and he suddenly realised what it must have been like all those times she'd had to reason with him. Now the shoe was on the other foot, it was his turn to draw up the compromises. "Look, I'm not saying no to anything... I just think a couple more sessions with doc Robinson before you go off-world couldn't hurt. I'm not doubting you, I just want to do everything I can to make sure you're safe... so I know you're okay. That's all I care about."

The honestly was rawer than she expected and she dropped her head unable to deny him. She couldn't, not after he'd repeatedly proved the comment to be true. When the Genii had attacked the city he'd risked his life to protect everyone still in inside and an involuntary shiver ran down her spine as her thoughts returned to the storm. "Do you ever think about it?"

Her eyes darkened and he instinctively knew what she was asking about. He'd always had a similar reaction to the memory and doubted he'd ever be able to get out of his head. It was the first time he'd realized she was more than just a colleague, the first time he'd almost lost her and the last time he'd ever taken her safety for granted. "Pretty hard to forget, one of the worsts day of my life."

She nodded not sure if she was comforted or made uneasy by the admission. As traumatic as it had been there were many more contenders and bile rose in her throat as she pictured him being tortured and fed on by a Wraith. The fear and helplessness had been suffocating, her hatred for Kolya growing beyond what she thought she was capable of and the sudden urge to throw up tasted pungent in her mouth.

He watched the colour drain from her face and instinctively stretched his hand across her back, rubbing circles until she finally took in a slow deep breath. He didn't know if it was the Tylenol or the memory of the storm but he slipped his fingers up to her shoulder giving it a reassuring squeeze. "You know he's gone, he can't hurt you."

The fact did little to comfort her. Physically Kolya had barely even touched her; it was the images of the wraith she couldn't get out of her head and she jerked away from him ashamed to admit the truth. He'd fought for her and Atlantis, saving both, but in the end she'd been the one to let Kolya win. "He tortured you... it was my job to negotiate and I nearly got you killed _._ "

Understanding dawned on him and he reached for her hand refusing to let her pull away again. It was a conversation that they should've had at the time but like most things it had been avoided and swept aside. The tactic had always been his defense mechanism but he was starting to realize there were other ways to cope and he tugged her gently, urging her to face him.

"You don't get to feel guilty." His voice mirrored hers from when she'd issued the same sentiment after returning to Atlantis. She'd told him that what had happened on the Asuran's homeworld hadn't been his fault and he might never believe it but hearing her say it had helped. "This is _us_ ," he spoke softly as he held her gaze, "we don't play the blame game, all we can do is accept the past and move on."

She wanted to argue, tell him that this was different but she couldn't find the words. He was right. She'd done everything by the book just like he had and even though the guilt was still firmly lodged in her chest his determination proved they could find a way around it. That's what they did, who they were and the notion brought a small smile to her lips. "Didn't we make a promise once, to stop scaring each other."

There was a veiled note of humour behind the question but the sound that caught in the back of his throat was rough. They'd scared each other far too many times to count and he let go of her hand tugging the fingers back up through his hair, "yeah... we both pretty much sucked at that."

"How about a do over?" It was a lighthearted suggestion and she was caught off guard when his eyes snapped up flashing with intensity.

"No do overs..." his voice was barely above a whisper as he held her gaze, "just, never again." He wasn't naive but the thought of losing her was too much to think about. He couldn't, not without experiencing the same sickly pallor as her skin and he gave into the urge to check her temperature again. She was cooler but still peaking and he wondered if dragging her to the infirmary by force would be worth the court martial.

She read the intention behind his expression and gently guided his hand hand back down to the mattress. "I'm okay, just tired."

He nodded deciding to give her the benefit of the doubt but he still wasn't convinced enough to leave her alone. There was going to have to be a compromise and he reached down to untie his laces catching her confused frown with a shrug, "tired means sleeping."

"Yes it does." She raised an eyebrow folding her arms over her chest, "but you do realize this is my room?"

" _Sure_..." he removed his shoes with a smirk, "but I'm not going rounds with Carson if you catch Pneumonia or Keller for that matter, so it's either this or the infirmary?"

He sat up shrugging off his jacket and she stared in amazement, her cheeks warming as he piled the items together on the floor. "That's hardly a choice." He didn't falter, stubbornly refusing to acknowledged the comment and she flustered trying again. "Besides, _this_ -" she motioned towards the bed, "is not a good idea."

He hesitated for a split second reacting to the warning but quickly moving on from it. They weren't hormonal teenagers. They were grown adults, entirely capable of sleeping beside each other and his mouth curved bringing a lighter tone to his voice, "I'll be a perfect gentleman, promise."

"That's not what I- " she stopped, her face growing redder as he worked the buckle on his trousers and she swallowed roughly, losing her train of thought. He was getting undressed and even though she should have been doing something to stop him her brain was still struggling to catch up.

"As far as I'm going." He winked, tossing the belt over his jacket and taking the returned silence as a form of surrender. It was better than a flat out no and he dropped onto the mattress, crossing his ankles and settling with his hands behind his head. When she didn't move he probed her with a curious expression, "you're not going to stand there all night are you?"

The teasing jolted her thoughts and she shook her head with a reluctant sigh. She could argue but clearly he wasn't going anywhere without a fight and she was exhausted, pointedly ignoring his triumphant grin as she crawled in under the covers.

He watched her get comfortable resisting the urge to turn on his side and face her. He he was already pushing his luck by staying and instead he studied her features trying to gauge if she was feeling any better.

"I'm fine." She preempted the question, prompting him to shake his head.

"Of course you are."

The tone landed somewhere between amused and distracted, causing her to frown but she didn't raise her confusion. She was too tired and stifled a yawn as she gazed up at him from beneath her lashes. Having him there helped. It made her less fearful of falling asleep but it was also dangerous. They were walking a fine line and although it felt like a grey area to her, she was sure it was pretty clear cut to the rest of the outside world. "We really shouldn't be doing this you know."

The statement lacked conviction and if anything gave away the fact she was actually grateful. Unfortunately it wasn't that simple and he kicked his head back to the ceiling letting out a sigh, "maybe not... but here were are."

"Here we are." She mumbled the phrase back to him though it was more to test the words for herself.

Six months felt like a lifetime ago but she'd gotten through it, they both had and the situation they were in now reflected how important their friendship was. She didn't want to risk tipping the balance, didn't know if they were ready for that kind of a fall.

But she had a sinking feeling it was coming anyway; whether they were ready for it or not.

-X-


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

* * *

The wormhole disengaged and Elizabeth glanced around the SGC's gateroom, her eyes drawing up to the control station. The room was empty save for a few technicians, which she assumed meant Landry was on his way down to give them a personal welcome.

"No place like home." John quipped, throwing a salute towards the window. Even though it rolled of his tongue with ease it couldn't have felt further from the truth and he dropped his arm motioning for Elizabeth to take the lead. "Ladies first."

She clasped her hands neatly behind her back as she stepped down the metal grate, her mouth twitching as the large bulk door opened with an aggressive grind. It was nothing like the eloquent design of Atlantis but still held a familiar sense of nostalgia and a more prominent smile found its way to her lips as the General joined them.

"Colonel Sheppard, Doctor Weir-" Hank met them at the base of the ramp with a warm nod, "it's good to see you both, how are things in the Pegasus Galaxy?"

"Same old life-sucking aliens Sir." John tugged the sleeves of his dress blues, straightening his shoulders with an awkward shake. He hated the formal attire but the IOA had requested an official assessment of his command and if he wanted to keep the position he needed to play ball. Or as Elizabeth had diplomatically put it, at least jump through a few hoops before sticking it to anyone.

Hank chuckled at the comment shaking his head at the Colonel's candor. It reminded him of a young O'Neill, though he knew Jack wouldn't take the comparison as a compliment. He'd once described Sheppard as a cocky, insubordinate fly-boy with 'just okay' hair... but fortunately the pair had found a mutual respect for one and other. Especially recently, due to a shared dislike of political authority. "I trust you're ready for your review Colonel?"

John flinched at the question but caught Elizabeth's pointed eyebrow out the corner of his gaze. She'd spent the last week coaching him, confident he'd pass with flying colours but honestly he'd be surprised if they waited a full five minutes before kicking his arse out and reassigning the role.

Either way he wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of airing his doubts. "Yes Sir, it's multiple choice right?"

"I'll lend you my 2B pencil." Hank winked at the pair before opening his arm and directing them to the exit, "there's a car waiting topside. I'm sure you're both eager to get to your respective appointments so I've asked for the debriefs to take place at the end of the week."

Elizabeth felt relief wash over her realizing she wouldn't have to wait to see her mother. The few hours it would have taken to bring the SGC up to speed would've felt like an eternity and she was grateful for his consideration despite the nerves tightening in her stomach. The conversation wasn't going to be easy but it was long overdue and she thanked him as they passed through the doorway, "we appreciate that General, I hope it's not too much of an inconvenience."

"Actually the timing works out better for us-" he assured following them down corridor, "General O'Neill is stuck in Washington for the next few days but he's going to try and catch a last minute flight... and I believe the president would like a word with you both, if you have a few moments to spare that is?"

The note of humour in his voice didn't go unnoticed; the president wasn't a man to be turned down, and she smiled as they came to a stop outside the elevator. "I'm sure we could arrange something."

The corners of his mouth twitched as he reached for the call button. Admittedly he'd been worried about how she was handling everything but seeing her in person helped dispel some of his concern. Clearly she was a lot tougher than he'd given her credit for, though given he'd seen her work in action, he really shouldn't have been surprised.

John relaxed under the wave of banter, momentarily forgetting about the IOA as he tried to recall where Sam's lab was in relation to the gateroom. She'd been unusually quiet on the email front lately and the last he'd heard she was being recalled from the Hammond but so far nobody in Atlantis had heard anything about her new post. "Colonel Carter around, I wouldn't mind dropping in to say hi if she's not too busy?"

The car arrived but a beat of hesitation stalled Hanks response. Carter was currently residing outside of Colorado due to an unexpected assignment, the details of which hadn't been officially released and he was cautious about giving too much away. "Actually she's working on something a little different at the moment, outside of the SGC."

John's brow furrowed at the cryptic comment. "Still on Earth?"

"For the time being." He ducked his head trying to hide a flash amusement as the doors slid open. The details wouldn't stay classified for much longer and he for one was relived having never really enjoyed the art of misdirecting, though it did come in handy when he was playing poker or chess.

John sensed it was the most he was going to get out of the man and swallowed his curiously as he followed Elizabeth into the elevator. The whole thing was just odd but the General remained stoic in his position and John waited for them to start ascending before commenting on the strange vibe. "What do you think that was all about?"

She shook her head slightly, agreeing it was weird but deciding it was best not to speculate. In their line of work it was probably redundant anyway and she offered him a small shrug in place of an answer. Whatever Carter was doing it was bound to be important and she had a suspicion that if anyone was going to let something slip it would be Jack.

They'd just have to wait and see.

-X-

* * *

 **AN: Sorry, I know it's another short one! I'll try to get a couple more up this week to make up for it :) Thanks again for all the reviews xxxx**


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

* * *

Elizabeth closed the car door and swallowed nervously as she took in her old house. It was exactly how she remembered it, big flowers blooming in the garden and the same white awnings that sat crisply above the front porch. The warm spring air was welcoming but her legs wobbled unsteadily, ignoring the signal to move as John rounded the vehicle to stand beside her.

Without a word he pulled out his sunglasses and slipped them on shielding his gaze from the sun. She'd been unusually quiet during the drive and he understood, even shared some of the conflicting emotions, but he hadn't been able to admit why or explain that it wasn't his first visit to the residence. A few weeks after they'd shipped her personal items through the gate he'd been recalled by Landry to give an official report to the IOA. Afterwards guilt and a sense of duty had driven him to pay his respects but the meeting had quickly lost all formality when her mother had exhibited the same familiar mannerisms he'd spent months grieving. The ghostly reminders had been painful but they'd kept him coming back, most recently after his father's funeral, and he swallowed the knot in his throat pushing aside the darker memories.

He wasn't here to chase ghosts.

Not anymore.

"You okay?" He finally asked, glancing across at her with a small smile.

She nodded but didn't return the gesture as she leaned back against the car. The story she'd given her mother all those months ago had been fragmented, made up of what the IOA deemed as 'acceptable' but the facts had been easier to manipulate over the phone. Facing up to them in person felt far more challenging. "What am I supposed to say, how do I even begin to explain this?"

"Maybe you won't have to." He drew his arms together over his chest and gave a slight shrug, "you're here, that's all she's going to care about."

She considered the reasoning, toeing the gravel beneath her boot as silence fell between them. The lapses had followed them from Cheyenne Mountain but at no point had they become awkward, instead giving them both time to internalize their thoughts. He had just as much on his plate with the IOA's hearing and she listed to side giving him a gentle nudge. "Come with me?"

The warmth in her voice urged him to swallow the hasty excuse on his lips. All things considered it was a small ask. He'd certainly been through a lot worse standing on the porch of her house and flicked up his watch to check the time. Still over an hour before he needed to be in the city but the FroYo they'd passed on the way in felt like a reunion more his speed and style.

"Just for a few minutes," she offered a shameful pout trying to sway him, "I won't drag you inside I promise."

He dropped his arm glancing at her from behind his glasses. She rarely resorted to pleading, usually because he always caved first, and he rolled his eyes unable to break the habit. "Three minutes, if you're lucky I'll stretch it to four."

Her mouth twitched as she pushed off the car and reached for his hand, dragging him along the pathway and up the wooden stairs. They were nearly at the top when she heard a bark from inside and her fingers slipped free as the door cracked open. Sedge excitedly nosed her way out, jumping enthusiastically, and Elizabeth smiled broadly as she ruffled the dogs ears.

The screen clanged again and she glanced up, her heart hammering loudly in her chest as she caught her mothers wide expression. Her face looked older, a little more warn but the relief in her eyes sprang to life with vigor and Elizabeth felt a rush of emotion as she stood up to embrace the women.

John ducked his head to give them privacy, dropping his hand to the animal sniffing around his boots. When she barked demanding more attention he knelt down, grateful for the distraction as he waited patiently to be acknowledged.

Kathy let go of her daughter and wiped the moisture from her cheeks, gaze drifting to the man crouched on her porch. It had been far too long since she'd seen him but she certainly didn't harbour the absence against him, especially in light of current circumstances. "Sedge, leave John be." She swallowed the lump on her throat, extending her hand to as the dog bounced eagerly back to Elizabeth.

"I'm fine Mrs Weir, thank you." He pushed himself up flinching at the indignant look she shot him, the one that reminded him too much of Elizabeth, and he forced a smile quickly correcting himself, "sorry, _Kathy._ "

Her pointed gesture waned and she broke the formality drawing him into a swift hug that she could tell took him by surprise. His condolences had rarely ever extended past memories but at the time they'd been something to hold onto and she squeezed him tightly hoping he understood the need to convey her gratitude. "It's good to see you again John."

He caught Elizabeth's curious look and tensed averting his gaze to the doorway. He empathised with her mothers relief, had felt it ripple through his body in a similar motion but didn't know how to reciprocate the feelings. Without the safety net of nothing to lose, fear edged its way back in and he wondered how far the leap between reckless abandonment and cowardliness really stretched.

"Same here." He uttered the response and when she finally let go he coughed roughly, adjusting the glasses over the bridge of his nose. He'd never been more relieved to have something hide the sudden embarrassment that rushed his cheeks. "I should really get going. I'm sure you two have a lot of catching up to do."

Elizabeth held onto Sedge's collar tying to place the tension in his shoulders but her mothers calm smile smoothed the awkwardness and her lips curved, granting him permission to leave. "Thank you John."

He nodded in response, waving a salute, and she caught her mother's gaze with an air of uncertainty. It felt like she was missing something but she didn't dare question the hint of amusement as she directed Sedge to follow them inside. Nothing had changed, at least nothing she could immediately pinpoint, and she breathed out slowly as the animal trotted to her basket by the fireplace.

"She's not as young as she used to be." Kathy commented, urging her daughter not to be offended by the abandonment. They were both becoming more lethargic in their old age and, case in point, she shifted against the counter easing the weight on her heels. "I suppose none of us are."

Elizabeth ducked her head wishing she had the words to apologize for the time they'd lost. Leaving it without an explanation felt largely unfair but even if should could reveal the entire truth there was a fine line between easing her mother's concern and causing more distress.

City of Atlantis, incredible.

Continual danger, tiny robots, _dying_... not so much.

She chewed her lip as she sat down at the table, angling toward the light streaming in from the kitchen window. Maybe John was right. Maybe she didn't need to explain everything, just give the answers and ask the questions that were the most important.

"How is everything?" It left her mouth with a barrage of unspoken connotations and she shook her head picturing what it would've sounded like if John were reading between the lines. Something like... _hey_ , _hope you weren't too sad that I died. We're good now though, right?_ Surprisingly his voice actually helped calm her nerves and she shifted her attention to where her mother was making them tea. "I meant, how have you been?"

"I've told you Elizabeth you don't need to worry about me." It was said with a gentle finality that didn't push for a response and Kathy hesitated, recalling how easily her daughter was able to slip into denial. It wasn't Elizabeth's fault. She was exactly like her father, opinionated and confrontational... unless it involved matters of the heart; then the silence could be deafening for days.

"I won't ask what happened." Kathy punctured the stillness of the room, her hand shaking slightly as she resumed pouring water into the two cups. Honestly she wasn't sure she could stand to hear the truth, fearful that whatever lay behind all the red tape and closed doors was too horrifying to imagine. She'd lived a long life, had mixed with servicemen and brass alike, hearing stories about how they'd prayed and died for absolution. She was in no way naive but she couldn't stand to see the same haunted look in her daughters eyes, the same hopeless desperation and regret. So far she had a blessed amount to be gracious for, that her daughter was alive, but as a mother she was entitled to a different kind of truth. "One condition, that's all I'm asking."

The cups clanged together unsteady and Elizabeth swallowed nervously as they were carried to the table. She could hardly deny the request without hearing it first and though her stomach knotted tightly, she said nothing as the older women sat down.

"I want you to promise me something-" she reached across the table, sliding her hand over Elizabeth's and drawing it under her own. It was difficult, she understood as much, but it couldn't be avoided and her expression softened as spoke with conviction,"no matter what happened you'll find a way to be at peace with it. That's all I'm asking. I can live without knowing... but not if you can't live with it."

Elizabeth breathed in sharply blinking back the sudden sting of moisture behind her gaze. It was the most selfless thing anyone had asked of her since returning and she quickly withdrew her hand wiping the wetness from her eyes. A few months ago she might not have been able to agree or appreciate the importance behind the request but now she could see the elegance in it's simplicity, that sometimes letting go was all it took to move on. "I will..." she forced her voice to remain steady as she pushed a gentle smile, "I might not be completely there yet but I promise I'm going to keep trying."

Kathy nodded, believing it to be the truth and curving her mouth in response. The recognition was brief but it was enough to ease the ache in her chest and she cleared her throat reaching for the cup that sat between them. "You're happy?"

"The city we're in, it's beautiful. I know you'd love it." It wasn't much in way of a description but she hoped the honestly behind the sentiment would mean something. She was happy and being in Atlantis gave her hope for so many things even if she wasn't able to clearly articulate them.

Kathy pondered the ambiguity of the comment, washing down a fear of the unknown with a sip of hot tea. She knew the work was dangerous and there was no to guarantee her daughters safety but there was at least one avenue that could help put her mind at ease. "Colonel Sheppard, will he be going back with you?"

A light warmth touched Elizabeth's cheeks as she inclined her head in answer. Their earlier meeting on the porch had intrigued her her but she didn't know far to push the curiosity. "You two have met."

"A few times." The answer floated from her mouth and she smiled at the unspoken interest. When John had shown up unexpectedly, months after the military's official visit, the grief he'd shown had held more weight than the president's condolences. It had shown her just how much her daughter had been loved and admired, something she'd held onto in his long absences. "He'd stop by whenever he was in town, not very often. It was difficult for him."

Elizabeth swallowed roughly finding a sudden interest in the worn table cloth. If she'd been in John's position, heaven forbid, she would have wanted to pay her respects as he had but the fact he'd returned on multiple occasions stirred a wave of guilt and another emotion she couldn't quite place. "John has... a very strong sense of duty."

Kathy raised an eyebrow, directing it towards the clear dismissal of the topic. She didn't need to rely on intuition to know the relationship went beyond just colleagues. Even General O'Neill, with whom she'd grown closer to in recent months, had insinuated that Elizabeth was being looked after by the Colonel and she highly doubted the General was a man to mince his words. "Jack mentioned that the two of you are close."

"Did he?" Elizabeth shifted muttering awkwardly under her breath, "remind me to thank him for that."

"You left after a phone call Elizabeth, barely an explanation... what was he supposed to say?" It wasn't directed with any malice but a note of warning settled in the air between them. Acceptances had to be made, it was unavoidable, but in her opinion her daughters stubbornness wasn't an excusable area. "The last time John visited was just after his father died. I asked why he was here and not spending the time with his family, you know what he told me?"

Mortification colored Elizabeth's cheeks but she couldn't bring herself to interject. She was terrified of the answer... afraid it would reveal too much but it felt like she was paralyzed, trapped listening to a deathbed confession she had no right to hear; even if it had been _her_ death.

"He said you were his family." Kathy's voice lowered, her expression softening as she gazed across the table.

She'd never interfered in any relationships in the past, hadn't battered an eyelid at all the men claiming to be good enough. Eventually they'd proved they weren't, except one; the broken man she'd found standing on her front porch four years ago. He'd never stopped loving her daughter, despite the reality of a tormented life without her, and that made him worthy of everything Elizabeth deserved. "It was never about duty," she admitted, gently breaking the truth, "you were the one thing he couldn't let go of, that's why he kept coming back."

Elizabeth tore her eyes away, running a nervous hand over her brow as she contemplated the possibility. She'd pictured him grieving. It had been hard not to after realizing his guilt but they'd worked through it and he'd never once mentioned the trips to earth. She'd had no way of knowing and the weight of the it made her chest ache. "You're right, we are close..." she was surprised that saying out loud actually helped and bit her lip distractedly, adding the rest as an almost afterthought, "and I care about him a lot too."

Kathy felt her mouth curve as she watched the revelation twist in an array of emotions. It would take her time, Elizabeth was after all her father's daughter, but she suspected John was a lot closer to admitting the truth. He was a lot like her. Maybe more hardened by military training and scarred from too much loss but ultimately he was a man who followed his heart.

He just had to piece it together again first.

-X-

* * *

 **AN: Sorry, sorry, sorry it took so long! I'll do better, I will! :) xx**


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

* * *

John breathed out a frustrated sigh as he met Woolsey's gaze across the table. The man was doing his best to keep the situation from getting heated but after nearly three days of endless scrutiny John was losing his patience and wound his jaw tightly, answering the question for the third time. "Yes, I agree it was a bad situation but Harrison's team did the best they could under poor circumstances. There were minimal casualties and they managed to stay onside with our trading agreement."

Shen Xioyi and Russel Chapman, the two members of the IOA who had agreed to conduct the hearing, shared an indignant look and he shot them an irritated glare, "I would have done the exact same thing, so would any other team in their position. If you have a problem with that then take it up with the SGC and their training program."

Shen sat up a little straighter in her chair remaining impassive as she moved down her list of notes. When she was satisfied that all the three of them were in an agreement to continue she lifted her eye line back to the Colonel. "Very well," she put the next notion to him bluntly, "then let's discuss your recent actions surrounding Doctor Weir. You went against our wishes to-"

"I _followed_ procedure." He cut her off scrubbing an irritated hand up through his hair. Every damn decision was like a flame attracting carnivorous moths but he'd toed the line, more or less, and Elizabeth was another example of what he considered reliable judgment.

"You removed Doctor Weirs security detail, allowed her to roam freely and refused to have her blood work tested daily." Her tone was dangerously low as she placed her hands over the table, "these were the minimal conditions for her stay on Atlantis Colonel."

"Until the tests proved she was no longer a threat-" he countered the claim with a flash of anger, "Beckett cleared her weeks before you'd even looked at his report and if you'd bothered to backtrack you'd know his recommendations clearly supported my decision."

Woolsey opened his mouth to reprimand John's tone but Russel jumped in before he could issue the warning.

"We were being cautious Colonel." The older man absently tugged his tie as he cleared his throat. He'd had the unfortunate luck of witnessing the dangers of gate travel firsthand and it was his personal opinion that waiting had been the best course of action. "You know the replicators are one of the most formidable enemies we've ever encountered. We needed to be absolutely certain Doctor Weir was who she claimed to be."

" _You_ needed to sure?" John ignored the look Woolsey shot him, infuriated by the arrogance surrounding the table. To be accused of endangering the city was one thing but so far they hadn't shown a single shred of compassion towards any members of the expedition, including Elizabeth. "With all due respect _I'm_ the one who needs to be sure of my team and that includes their physical and mental well being. If you want to start calling the shots then by all means, get out of your cushy chairs and try getting to actually know some of them for a change!"

Shen breathed out quickly, adjusting the papers in front of her to mask her frustration before she openly vented it. She didn't know why Richard had allowed the proceedings to run on for so long but she wasn't going to let herself be intimidated by the clear lack of respect. "With all due respect _Colonel_ , we are not on trial here."

"Am I?" He glanced at each of them before his gaze finally landed on Woolsey. He could tell the man wanted to interject but he held up a hand having had enough of the one sided interrogation. "I was under the impression this was a review but so far you haven't given me any reason to think I'm actually in the running for this job. You want to drag me over hot coals for every decision I've ever made fine, but at least have the decency to call this what it is _or_ -"

"Okay, that's enough!" Richard pushed himself, trying to temper the aggression flowing from both sides of the table, "I think it's time we took a short break, agreed?"

The other two members of the board rolled their chairs back eager to vacate the room and he lowered himself back down with a sigh. Sheppard's expression giving nothing away, doing little to help situation, and he steered them towards a one on one hoping it would help derive an outcome before the others returned. "Why do you want this job Colonel?"

John inclined his head at the question and Richard continued, prodding him for an truthful response, "you hate this kind of thing and I know you. Sitting behind a desk all day must be driving you crazy."

"It did, at first." John caught the pointed look from his former boss and gave a tight wince as he rubbed his brow. They were both exhausted, battered down from the official proceedings, but the sincerity behind the question reminded exactly what he was fighting for. "Okay you're right... it does make me crazy," he admitted dropping his arm, "but I know that city like the back of my hand. Those are my people, _good_ people, and they deserve somebody who can make the right decisions, somebody in charge who they can trust."

"And that's you?" Richard raised an eyebrow expecting the man to hesitate but Sheppard didn't so much as blink.

" _Yes_."

It didn't come off as sounding arrogant or conceited and Richard knew it was because there was surmounting evidence that proved he was right. The Colonel had earned the respect and trust of his peers and in doing so had rightfully earned his post in Atlantis. If he could continue navigating the politics, then Richard saw no reason why he should be relived of his duties. "All right."

John frowned in confusion. "All right what?"

"The Job's yours." He gestured towards his notes deciding it was no longer prudent to beat around the bush. "The board gave me final say over who I'd like my replacement to be. Provided you haven't pissed them off too much we should be able to get through the paperwork this afternoon."

John's eyes went wide as surprise and relief slammed his expression. After the last few days he'd practically written off the idea of keeping his job, figuring he didn't stand any chance whatsoever, but the news was a complete one-eighty and his jaw went slack at the turnaround. "Wait... so you mean this whole time all you had to do was say the word?"

"More or less." He offered a sympathetic smile as a peace offering. He hadn't wanted to draw out the proceedings but he'd needed to be absolutely certain the Colonel could handle himself under political steam and at least give the illusion that the other board members were playing a part. "I'm sorry," he apologised wringing his hands together, "obviously you have the experience and I truly believe the solid judgment to do the job but the IOA needed a guarantee that you weren't going to openly resist them. In my opinion you just managed to scrape through."

John wasn't sure if the latter was meant as a compliment but, still in shock, dumbly pushed himself up as Woolsey stood and rounded the table. "Thanks," he shook his head slowly, "I _think_..."

"Good luck Colonel." Richard extended his arm leaning into the handshake, "you're going to need it."

-X-


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

* * *

John rapped his knuckles over Elizabeth's door and took a step back, removing his sunglasses as her mother promptly answered. 'Mrs Weir' teetered on the tip of his tongue but he remembered her past insistence and quickly opted for a more casual greeting. "Kathy."

She smiled warmly at the use of her first name and crossed the threshold resting her hands lightly over his shoulders as she pressed a kiss to his cheek. He seemed a little more relaxed, even leaning into the gesture, and a pleased look spread across her face as she withdrew her arms. "Elizabeth's just in the garden with Sedge, she won't be long."

He nodded pushing on the balls of his feet as he waved a five to the car parked in the drive. Part of him regretted not being able to stay, feeling oddly like he was skipping out on a commitment, but he brushed off the guilt with a throw away shrug. She had her daughter back and at best he'd only ever been a lousy consolation prize anyway.

Squinting, he shielded his gaze from the sun as he turned back to her. The unprecedented heat wave that had set in was making his uniform itch uncomfortably and he resisted the urge to loosen his tie, reminding himself that they'd be back in Atlantis within a day. The city was going to be a sight for sore eyes and he dropped his hand, briefly placing himself on the balcony and imagining the strong ocean breeze against his skin.

"I imagine it's beautiful."

The comment took him by surprise but before he fully caught up she interjected again dressing him down with a probing gaze. "Elizabeth's had the same look on her face for days now and it's funny.. out of all the countries she's visited, all the places she's been, I can't imagine a city on earth that would mean so much to her."

Reading between the lines wasn't difficult and a loose smirk tugged at his mouth, the awkwardness washing over him. The women was dangerously perceptive, just like Elizabeth, and a version of truth was the least he owed her. " _Well-_ " he shrugged casually, "you might be right about that."

A silent understanding passed between them and she breathed in slowly realizing she couldn't expect to be comforted by the veiled honestly. It didn't guarantee her daughters safety, if anything it only fueled her concern but the unspoken acknowledgement was proof that her trust in him hadn't been misplaced. She drew relief from the fact, and the subtle differences beginning to show in his body language; little things only a mother would notice, like the tiny lines softening his expression or the way he met her gaze without faltering. It was a side of him she'd always hoped to see, knowing it would have brought her closer to her daughter, and the irony urged her lips into a gentle smile. "You've changed since I last saw you."

He nodded, not wanting her to run too deeply with the remark. A lot had changed recently. His team for one, Atlantis, and now his command but he deliberately avoided pointing out the obvious. "I've gotten older, a few more grey hairs."

She watched his hand subconsciously tug through the tousled ends, the casual avoidance stirring a memory of her late husband. She'd loved Elizabeth's father dearly but when it came to hiding emotions his poker face had been hard to beat. Fortunately she had a few years of practice under her belt. "Older but perhaps not any wiser?"

It was mumbled loud enough for him to hear and he frowned struggling to find context behind the comment.

When he failed to take the hint Kathy shook her head, glancing back into the house to make her intent more obvious, before fixing him with the pointed look. "I think we're a little beyond pretenses John, don't you?"

His gaze followed her lead darting inside to look for Elizabeth until he suddenly clocked the misdirection. Elizabeth _was_ the point and he visibly cringed, the ignorance drying up in his throat like quicksand.

Deep down he'd always suspected she knew, that he hadn't really been able to hide how much he'd cared, but she hadn't asked him to justify it and he'd never openly talked about it. An arrangement he silently wished they could go back to but trying to deny the grief he'd gone through was like telling her they were stationed in Rome. It would've been an insult to both their intelligence and, once again, he settled on the nearest version of the truth. "You know I'd do anything to protect her."

He laid it out flatly and the honestly surprised her. The conviction, however, didn't even come into question. "I never doubted it."

The ease of her response lodged in his chest and he took a deep breath angling his body towards the garden. On his second visit to the house he'd spent nearly an hour staring at the same spot from his car, afraid to get out, and it reminded him that nothing he said now could ever be that painful. "Then you understand why I can't-" he stopped, turning to face her with heavy a sigh, "why it isn't worth the risk."

Her expression didn't change as she considered the position he'd placed himself in. Perhaps he thought it was the right thing to do, that Elizabeth was better off, but her daughter deserved something that was worth fighting for. "Did Elizabeth's ever tell you her father was a renowned poker player?"

He sensed the question was leading him into a trap but nodded regardless. "She mentioned it once or twice."

"You know what he used to say to me?" Her facade slipped slightly, a smile edging its way onto her lips as she recalled his parting words before a big bet."He used to say, Kathy, it's only a risk if you think I'm going to lose."

The advise pulled a rough, almost indignant chuckle from the back of his throat and he blew it out with a sigh. Of all the reactions he'd been expecting her approval definitely hadn't been one of them. "Usually people try to warn me off dating their daughters, not the other way around."

She met his amused tone with a relaxed smile, "really... because I don't believe you're half as much trouble as you think you are Colonel."

An miffed frown twitched on his lips but he let go of the protest as the sound of sliding paws skidded through the house. Diving down he snagged Sedge by the collar as she bolted through the door. "Hey buddy, where do you think you're going huh?"

Elizabeth appeared above him slightly out of breath as she dragged her hand down along the dogs short fur. "Sorry, she heard your voice and took off-" Elizabeth smiled warmly at him though the amusement faltered as she glanced over her shoulder, "you said it was Frank at the door."

Kathy titled her head feigning ignorance as she caught both of their probing looks. "Did I? Must have been a slip in my old age. They do look similar don't you think?"

Elizabeth briefly closed her eyes trying to stave off a rush of embarrassment as she mentally counted to five. She loved her mother but sometimes it was easier to love her from another galaxy. One where she couldn't meddle no matter how good her intentions were. "I'm sorry." She threw an apologetic glance towards John, relived when he brushed it off with a smile.

"Don't be, we were due a catch up anyway." He raised an eyebrow at the older women silently willing her to keep their discussion under wraps. He'd find a way to have the conversation with Elizabeth but back in Atlantis, after he had it straightened out in his own head first.

Kathy read the ask behind his tight smile and nodded gently, hoping her words had been enough to convince them both that taking a chance was worth the risk.

If not then she knew of a General who had unequivocally promised anything she needed, day or night, without hesitation. It might be pushing the friendship but she had a feeling that with a little coercion Jack would be willing to show his softer side.

One bet that was an easy game.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

* * *

General Jack O'Neill tried not to flinch as Elizabeth wrapped her arms around his shoulders, the contact strangely familiar despite it being a rare occurrence. Somehow she always managed to catch him off guard and he offered a tentative smile as she released him unofficially ending the three hour briefing.

"Thank you Generals." Elizabeth continued the momentum stepping forward to repay Landry with the same gesture. He was slightly more receptive to the gratitude and her expression softened as she pulled back regarding them both with a sincere nod, "I know my file probably looks more like a memoir by now."

"You should try giving Daniel's a read." Jack quipped shoving his hands into his pockets. He'd lost count of how many times the former Sg-1 member had made a miraculous return but it'd happened so often now, even homeland security had started blindly rubber stamping his reappearances. Hopefully Weir wouldn't gain any stature on that kind of level. "Now remember-" he paused for effect glancing between the Doctor and Sheppard, "no stopping, no accepting rides from strangers, and call as soon as you get there."

Elizabeth quirked an eyebrow at the humour and shifted her gaze to Landry who merely shook his head in return. It was a relief, a reminder that while they all held level of professionalism there was an informal air that proved a long standing mutual respect between the four of them. It reached far beyond the presence of the IOA and she smiled, clasping her wrist as she inclined her head towards the briefing room door. "Shall we?"

Hank nodded taking the lead as Jack listed placing himself under the star map. It was a strategical move and he waited until Sheppard was just shy of the threshold before calling him to a stop. "Colonel, a word if you wouldn't mind?" The man paused and Jack pushed himself up onto the desk glancing idly at what had formally been Hammond's office. He still missed the General's guidance and unending patience, having considered him more like a father figure, but it wasn't the time for reminiscing and he absently swung his legs motioning for Sheppard to close the door. "In private.'

John watched Elizabeth turn and caught her look with a reassuring -albeit forced- smile. They silent checks were a habit they'd fallen back into and although they had yet to save him from tedious conversations with McKay it was comforting to know they had each others backs no matter what the situation. This time, when her lips edged into a smirk, he knew she was urging him to humour the request and he sighed, reluctantly closing the door and pulling in an awkward breath.

"I'm going to be as succinct as possible." The statement echoed their first meeting in Antarctica and Jack drummed his fingers adding clarification as he continued, "off the record... is there something going on I should know about?"

John shifted uncomfortably genuinely confused by the question. As far as he knew the answer was a no but he paused for a moment to think about it, shaking his head when nothing came to mind. "Not that I'm aware of Sir."

An indignant sound caught in Jack's throat and he cursed the recent political diplomacy that had started playing havoc with his sanity. He wasn't good at tact, never had been, and rather than skirt around the issue he decided to be completely blunt and to the point. "Exactly how close is your relationship with Doctor Weir?"

The question came left of field and John credited himself for not flinching, surprised by the professionalism in his tone despite the candid response that fell from his lips. "We're close. We work together, see each other every day... all of our team are close Sir." It was .he truth but the pointed look the General shot indicated the older man wasn't buying a word and John squared his shoulders defensively. "With all due respect I don't know what you may have heard but-"

"Would you stop?" Jack pinched the bridge of his nose trying to brush off the formalities. The last thing he wanted to do was make the conversation official. He just needed to know where they stood, make sure it wasn't going to be an issue, and then deal with the proverbial can of worms he'd inadvertently opened in front of Elizabeth's mother. "I told you this is off the record," he tried again, "and I forget what I've heard. I did the ascension thing, bought a t-shirt the whole shebang so give me a little credit..." It wasn't just Jackson, his relationship with Carter had made him realize things weren't always black and white and he breathed out roughly, hoping a preemptive admission would at least build some mutual trust between them. "Look, you can believe me when I say I've been there."

"You have?" John sounded hesitant catching the flash of emotion in the General's gaze and trying to place the parallels. The picture he came up with didn't seem to fit but without another alternative he pushed forward drawing his brow together in surprise, "I didn't, I mean... I didn't know you and Doctor Jackson were-"

" _What_?" Jack's head shot up, quickly realizing the conclusion he'd jumped to. "No,I was talking about... you know what never mind _,_ this isn't about _me_ -" he motioned, clutching the desk with a frustrated sigh, "and I don't want details. In fact I don't care what the two of you are doing, I just want your word it isn't going to be a problem."

John stared at him for a moment, the conversation spinning in his head and prompting a jumbled mess to tumble out of his mouth in response, "no Sir it won't, _wouldn't_ be _..._ I mean if there was something going on, which there isn't, but if there was I mean... I think we've proved enough times we, _I_ wouldn't-"

"Great." Jack cut off the ramble, an impassive expression disguising the relief that rushed through him. He knew Elizabeth would never let her personal feelings override her common sense, that was a given, but he'd needed at least some reassurance from Sheppard. They hadn't hit gold but as far as he was concerned it was close enough. "So what are you standing around here for, don't you have a city to run?"

John recognised the dismissal and nodded sharply, eager to get out of the awkward situation but curiosity jerked him to a halt by the door. There was no reason for the candidness, no favour the General owed him, nothing excepted the almost begrudging trust of a man who claimed to understand his position.

"It was Colonel Carter, wasn't it?" John filled in the silence with his guess, "she's the reason you'd be willing to overlook it... if there was something going on."

Jack inclined his head raising an eyebrow, "did I say I was overlooking anything?" He let the inflection sink in as he clasped his hands together, "last time I checked personal relationships in the Pegasus galaxy didn't fall under Earth's jurisdiction. Not since it was labelled a one way mission."

John knew it was an out, one he should take, but his feet remained rooted firmly in place. Discretion was one thing but the fact he hadn't known, that no one had so much as uttered a world, left him wondering exactly what had happened between them and he chewed his lip nervously, hoping he wasn't about to get himself fired. _Again_. "Are the two of you still-" he swallowed hard, looking for the right words, "did it work out okay?"

Jack eyed him sternly, his expression unwavering as he finally acknowledged the assumption. "We talk... every now and then."

John nodded feeling the weight of the revelation rest heavily on his shoulders. If the two of them hadn't been able to figure things out then maybe taking the leap wasn't worth the risk. Maybe he and Elizabeth were right to keep things strictly professional.

"It's the pregnancy hormones-" Jack finally added, resisting the urge to roll his eyes as he put the man out of his misery, "Sam's got mood swings all over the place and I can barely get two words in... but I guess you could say it all worked out." He'd never pegged the Colonel as gullible but watching the relief flood his face made Jack's mouth twist in a smirk; Carter wasn't going to kill him.

Shock surged through John's body and he fought the urge to let loose a string of explicit cures. Instead he merely shook his head, suddenly realizing why everyone had been so cagey about Carter's new assignment; she was pregnant.

He pushed on the door, a smile spreading over his lips as the news washed over him.

A baby.

Not exactly on his list of priorities and he should probably ask Elizabeth out on a date or something first...

But he kinda liked the idea.

It was step closer to those grandchildren he was always looking out for.

* * *

AN: Sorry for the wait and any mistakes! It's really late but I wanted to post before going to bed. Night all :) xx


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

* * *

"Doctor Weir drafted the treaty, I just need you to sign it off." Evan slid the printout over, confident he wouldn't have any problems getting Sheppard's approval for the mission. It was a standard negotiation but it was Elizabeth's first acting as a liaison and he wanted to get it cleared and back to her as soon as possible. "I've read through it myself and it's good, _she's_ good."

"She is." John agreed flipping through the pages. He'd assumed it wouldn't be long before her first off-world request crossed his desk and he breathed out slowly, dropping the report on his ever expanding pile. Like it or not he had to accept that as an active member of the expedition she was going to be placed in dangerous situations but Lorne was right, if anyone could talk their way out of a tumultuous situation it was Elizabeth. He just needed a bit of time to get used to the idea. "I'll read through it this afternoon and schedule in a briefing. There are a few things I want to cover before giving the final go ahead."

"Yes Sir." Evan clasped his hands behind his back having anticipated the Colonel would lead with caution. Weir's attention to detail was meticulous and her knowledge of diplomacy went way above his pay grade but he fully supported taking a vigilant approach. "I've already prepped the team, told them it's likely Doctor Weir will be joining us and to keep an eye out for her."

The tone implied it wasn't because he doubted her ability and John nodded hesitantly, suspecting the added reassurance was more for his benefit. Lorne wasn't exactly known for his subtlety and he found himself nodding as he answered with a neutral expression. "Thank you Major, it's appreciated."

Evan fought the slight smirk that tugged his lips. He'd been hoping Sheppard and Weir's trip to Earth would encourage a development in their relationship but they were still dancing around the obvious and he straightened his shoulders continuing to hover. "I'm just relieved the IOA finally saw sense. I know they can be difficult."

It felt like a leading comment and John shifted slightly, wary of landing himself in an awkward conversation. "Like you said she's good, that obviously counted for something."

"True," Evan pressed, watching with amusement as the Colonel started fidgeting with his pen, "still... I know how hard you fought trying to get them onside so she could stay."

John managed to keep from flinching and his gaze darted to the window almost wishing the gate would light up with an unscheduled activation. Anything to avoid the hinting tone that had become quite popular with people around him lately. "Is there a point you're trying to make, _Major_?" He emphasised the rank hoping it would derail any further prodding but Lorne played ignorant, drawing his brows together in mock confusion.

"Officially?" Evan shook his head innocently "no Sir."

A sigh pushed from John's lips as he lent back, already regretting the next words out of his mouth, "unofficially then?"

"Well, now you mention it... off the record," he relaxed his shoulders, "it's nice seeing the two of you together." The statement was an opening and he finally gave in to the smirk twitching his lips, "you both get along well, you're attractive people, no chain of command to worry about-"

The pen nearly snapped in John's hand and he forced a deep breath. "You find me attractive, Major?" The deadpan tone was impassive and he watched the amusement on Evan's face falter. Honestly, he wasn't sure whether to be annoyed or grateful for the man's support but it didn't make the situation between himself and Elizabeth any less complicated. "Military or not," he conceded lowering his voice, "Doctor Weir is still a member of this expedition."

"I get that." Evan understood the concern but he wasn't scared to be frank with his opinion, "however, so are Keller and McKay and at least half a dozen of the couples around here. If they can make it work then why can't you?"

John swallowed roughly at what sounded suspiciously like an accusation. Maybe he was reading too much into it but there were differences Lorne wasn't considering. For one, he was in charge of Atlantis and that alone made their situation vastly different from the rest. "It would be harder for us, you know that."

"Harder maybe... but not impossible." The words aired on the side of caution and Evan straightened folding his hands behind his back. He hadn't expected any grand declarations and even the vague acknowledgment surprised him but it proved Sheppard was at least open to the possibility and if a sense of duty was the only thing holding him back, then as far as Evan was concerned the problem was an easy hurdle to cross. "You've both proved countless times neither of you would ever compromise this city. If I thought for a second that wasn't true we wouldn't even be having this conversation."

The look of affirmation in his expression didn't waver but it didn't fill John with confidence either. Even with the unofficial go-ahead from O'Neill there were still a lot of people who'd be pissed off and Elizabeth had already been through hell she didn't deserve to have her reputation scrutinized all over again. It was one of the key factors that had been weighing on him since their return and he inhaled sharply, shaking his head with a sigh, "somehow I don't think the IOA would share your confidence."

"Well it's a good thing the decision's not up to them." Evan raised both eyebrows with a tight smile. He knew it wasn't going to be a walk in the park but given everything else the pair had faced it hardly seemed comparable. "Okay... so you might have to jump through some hoops-" he admitted tying to put the situation in perspective, "but the worst they can do is reassign you back to gate travel and would that really be so bad?"

It would be a hit, especially given how far he'd come in his career but it wouldn't be the first time he'd been black listed for personal indiscretions and if he was being honest he'd chosen Elizabeth over his job months ago. Maybe Evan was right. Maybe he owed it to both of them to at least give her the choice but either way it was something they needed to figure out together, not under the probing eyes of the city. "I know this is coming from a good place," he swallowed roughly, glancing back up at the Major, "but I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention this to anyone else."

"Of course not... Sir." Lorne added the formality sensing the conversation had drawn to a close but he kept his gaze relaxed as he regarded the Colonel, "if you change your mind and do want to hash it out, beer's on me."

John nodded his thanks grateful for the sincerity behind the offer as the Major took his cue to leave. There was still a lot to consider but Lorne had reinforced what he already knew; his feelings had grown unavoidable and admitting them was inevitable.

He wanted to be with her and if she was willing, then screw the cost.

-X-

* * *

 **AN: Thank you guys for sticking with this! There's only a few more chapters to go and a bit of action/drama to come but I promise it will be resolved quickly ;) xx 3**


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

* * *

Elizabeth pushed forward a hesitant smile as she knocked on the glass outside of John's office. When he glanced up showing a relieved expression she relaxed slightly, moving inside the small space and hovering behind the chair opposite him. "Everything okay? Lorne said you wanted to see me."

He nodded in answer and pushed up from his desk taking the opportunity to stretch his legs. He'd been over her proposal, and at least a hundred others,in the space of a few short hours, and his head felt like someone had stuffed it with cotton wool.

She watched him pace, her eyes following him back and forth across the short distance. "Regret taking the job already?"

He came to a sudden stop and leaned back against the edge of his desk with a sigh. "You know, I think they might have tried some of that old reverse psychology on me." He watched her eyebrow lift in amusement and a smirk tugged at his lips. He was happy, despite the expanding piles of paperwork, and having her around as a distraction certainly sweetened the deal.

"Good. That means they wanted you in the role." She met his doubt with logic, eyeing the mess of briefs behind him. She could still remember the countless late nights and early starts just to keep on top of everything but he'd obviously managed to win over the IOA so he was clearly doing something right. "If you were doing a bad job you'd know about it, trust me."

He did, implicitly, and not just because she'd been in the same position. They'd always had a close working relationship and despite everything that had happened the trust between them had never been in question. Something he reminded himself of as he reached for the folder balancing precariously on the largest stack behind him. "You're only saying that because I'm about to approve your mission."

She watched him produce the briefing report and a genuine smile played on her lips as she teased him. "You actually read it?"

"Cover to cover," he confirmed, "just don't test me on it."

The file passed between them and he swallowed a niggling wave of doubt as he moved back to his chair. He had to let her go... that didn't mean he had to like the idea. "I'm guessing you want to go with them to head the negotiations?" She nodded and there was the slightest beat of hesitation as he took his seat. Officially she'd been cleared to go off-world but he still had to ask to question, for his own piece of mind more than anything. "You're absolutely sure about this?"

She shifted her attention from the report to his gaze catching it with a confident nod. She understood why he was being cautious. The last time she'd gated somewhere in the Pegasus Galaxy it hadn't exactly panned out well but she'd spent months coming to terms with what had happened, working on her mental state as well as her physical limitations. She was better trained, focused, and more than ready to take the plunge. "It's a low-risk mission and they're peaceful traders. Honestly I'm looking forward to something that's a little bit different."

He inclined his head accepting that there was nothing he could do to change her mind. Even if he'd wanted to he didn't have a valid reason to ground her and he clicked open the calendar on his laptop double checking the rota. "Okay, I'll schedule the briefing for-"

The alarm sounded cutting him off and he glanced across at the Stargate as the first chevron blazed into life. There were no teams due back for several hours and he pushed up from his chair abandoning their conversation as they both rushed through to the control room. "Banks, what's going on?"

Amelia tapped the keyboard frantically entering the right code and tensing as the command pinged back an early arrival. "Colonel Rivers ID Sir. They're not scheduled to check-in until tomorrow."

The wormhole whooshed into life and John reached for his earpiece as he scanned the horizon, "Rivers do you copy?"

"Co... _hot_..."

John deciphered the warning, wishing he had his gun as he switched over to the citywide channel, "all personal take defensive measures. I repeat, we've got a team under fire. I want weapons and medics on standby, be ready." He dropped his hand glancing over his shoulder at the city's technician, "lower the shield."

Amelia followed the instruction and he moved to get closer, edging over the balcony as a group of marines took position below. The event horizon rippled, casting an eerie glow over the gateroom but it remained idle and he held his breath as Elizabeth stepped up beside him. "Where the hell are they?" He breathed out instinctively reaching for his earpiece again, "Rivers this is Colonel Sheppard, what's you're position?"

A blast of energy shot through the gate colliding with the stairs and John grasped the rail to steady himself as the charred smell of burning singed the air. Whoever they'd pissed off had fire power and hit the comms again, his voice straining as he shouted into the radio, "Rivers, do you copy? I repeat, do _you_ -"

" _...comin...forty...onds"_

The broken transmission was cut off by three more blasts violently slamming the foundations and John struggled to stay upright at the room shook from the impact. Elizabeth staggered behind him but before he could issue a warning to move another energy beam shot in their direction and he lunged knocking them both to the ground. The blast hit the control window, shattering it above them, and he rolled to protect her tensing as the shards rained over his back. The sound of gunfire added to the chaos and he heard the shield activate ricocheting the last of the bullets as heavy boots hit the gateroom floor. Assuming it was Rivers' team he pushed himself up trying to avoid the broken glass as he glanced down at Elizabeth scanning her body for injuries. "You okay?"

"Yeah _._ " She inhaled deeply, trying to breathe through the burn in her lungs. The fall had jarred her ribs but moving didn't cause any sharp pains and she nodded, reassuring him it was just bruising.

He hesitated, his gaze dawn to blood trickling down the side of her face. He hadn't been able to cushion much of her fall and a stab of guilt tightened in his chest despite knowing the alternative could've been far worse. "You're bleeding."

She resisted the urge to lift her hand and check. He was too, tiny scratches from the glass marring his face, but she steeled her expression against the superficial wounds. There were people in far worse shape and they needed to focus. "I'm fine, go."

The command snapped him out of his daze and he coughed clearing the sting of smoke from his chest. She was right. He needed to make sure everyone else was okay and nodded with a tight smile, "get Keller to check you out, I'll be down when I can."

She watched him leave and pulled herself up swallowing a wave of nausea as the room lurched. A concussion was definitely in play but a sharp cry to her left overrode the discomfort and she pushed herself forward finding Banks leaning over the control panel. The blast had winged her shoulder and Elizabeth swore, stumbling to catch the women as she fell unconscious.

"I need a medic up here!" She shouted into her earpiece hoping there was one close by. She wasn't going to be able to take Amelia's weight for long and ground her jaw tightly, vaguely aware of someone calling her name. Ronon suddenly came into view and when she was sure he had hold of the women she let go motioning for him to get her to the infirmary. She knew the pair were close and her eyes followed in sympathy as he quickly carried her from the room. It reminded her how lucky she was, how rare second chances were, and a lump formed in her throat at the thought.

If John hadn't reacted, or if he'd been hit-

"Ma'am, are you okay?"

The nurse that appeared by her side was staring intently and Elizabeth quickly wiped the sting of moisture from her gaze. She would be. Atlantis was a family and no matter how hard it got, how difficult the fight became, no one was giving up. The city and its people were home and she was never going to take that memory for granted again.

-X-


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

* * *

Elizabeth winced as the last butterfly clip went into place and palmed the mattress as Jennifer pulled out a penlight shining it directly into her eyes. It didn't help with her headache and she blinked at the brightness fighting the urge to pull away. "I told you I'm fine."

Jennifer gave a frank smile as she switched off the torch. "You have a mild concussion." It wasn't life threatening but it wasn't nothing either and she shook her head as she dropped the pen back into her pocket."Bed rest for the next twenty-four hours at least... no work, I want you to take it easy."

"How's Banks doing?" Elizabeth glossed over the instruction, lifting her gaze above the doctor's shoulder to search for any movement. She hadn't seen Amelia since Ronon had taken her and Keller had been quick to usher her away from the the chaos unfolding in the surgical room.

"It looked worse than it was, she'll be out of action for a few weeks but I'm expecting her to make a full recovery." Jennifer snapped off her gloves throwing them in the bin as she refocused on her patient. Even though Elizabeth's injuries weren't as severe if they were managed improperly she'd land herself in a bed right alongside the gate technician. "In the meantime, I need you to-"

"What about Rivers and her team?" Elizabeth interrupted the doctor again, missing the irritated look the women shot her way. She was too busy trying to catch a glimpse from the other room and concern lodged in her throat as a nurse quickly rushed passed.

Jennifer breathed out a sigh forcing an authoritative tone as she stepped up blocking Elizabeth's view of the door. "Sargent Johannes sustained extensive injuries to her right leg and torso but Carson's doing everything he can," her voice softened towards the end but she still kept her shoulders squared as they faced off, "I know you want to help but the best thing you can do right now is-"

"How's she doing doc?"

Sheppard's voice sounded behind her and her lips twitched in a small smirk despite the interruption. If there was anyone who could rival Elizabeth's stubbornness it was John and she took a step back allowing him to join in the conversation. "She has a mild concussion, three stitches and a couple of bruised ribs but she'll be okay... if she decides to listen to me that is?"

Embarrassment heated Elizabeth's cheeks as she caught John's gaze. Even though his face only gave away trace amounts of concern she could see the small lines of tension creasing his brow, the tightness lining his jaw, and she smiled softly knowing there was more concern lingering just under the surface. "I'm fine, really."

Jennifer watched the subtle exchange between them, specifically the hesitant nod John gave in return, and she felt a little more at ease knowing he wouldn't be as quick to dismiss her advice. "She can leave but keep an eye on her. If she starts to feel dizzy or nauseous I want you to call me straight away."

"Don't worry, I won't let her out of my sight..." he agreed to the terms ignoring the look of protest Elizabeth shot him. There was nothing he could do until the gateroom was operational anyway and he nodded his thanks to the doctor as she vacated the small room. When he was sure they were alone he took a step forward inspecting the clipped gash. It wasn't too deep but the fact she'd been hurt at all twisted uncomfortably in his stomach and he dropped his hand forcing a sigh through his nose. She'd been lucky, if the blast had been a few more inches to the left-

"John, I'm fine." She recognised his line of thought and guilt quickly dampened her slight annoyance. He was being over protective but it was only because he cared and she relaxed her shoulders as he hovered tentatively in front of her.

"I didn't say you weren't." He shoved his hands awkwardly in his pockets trying to fight the unsettling familiarity of their positions. The last time they been like this had been after the replicator attack, right before he'd lost her on the Asuran home world, and bile rose in his throat as his body reacted to reminder. It felt like an anvil ripping through his stomach and he flinched trying to keep from flashing back to the memory.

He seemed to visibly pale and a frown tugged Elizabeth's lips as she studied him more closely. He looked exhausted. The cuts on his face were raised and angry, his uniform was still covered in debris and she wondered if he'd taken the time to get checked out along with everybody else; judging by the state of him the answer was a hard no. " _Hey,_ " she gently prompted him, "why don't you sit down for a second?"

He stiffened at the suggestion taking a deep breath and forcing the air back into his lungs. Physically he was fine. A bit banged up but there was no reason to worry her and to prove it he lifted his gaze twisting his lips into a tight smile, "it's nothing, I'm okay." As soon as the lie left his mouth he knew it was a mistake. They didn't do the hiding thing and her raised eyebrow pushed him into reluctantly admitting the truth. "This just feels a little too familiar, that's all."

She didn't need him to elaborate. The circumstances may have been different but the infirmary was where they'd said goodbye. It held a lot of bad memories but it was also where they'd found each other again and she reached for his hand drawing it out of his pocket and lacing their fingers together, "I'm right here... I'm not going anywhere."

The sentiment made him feel more at ease and he slipped out his other hand resting it just above her knee. It was a light touch but the warmth of her skin urged him to start tracing slow circles over the thin fabric and she glanced down at the content. It was a comforting gesture but she swallowed nervously when he leaned in flirting with the distance between them. She could feel his breath against her cheek, the pressure increasing on her thigh, and her heart lodged in her throat as she fought to keep some kind of control. "John, we _shouldn't_ -"

"I shouldn't what?" He asked, the question scratching uncomfortably in his throat, "I shouldn't touch you... stand here, be this close? Cause I don't know if I can keep stopping myself." It was direct but the tone didn't drive her away and he held her gaze looking for approval. He wanted to take the initiative but not unless they were on the same page and a sharp breath fell from his mouth as he inched back, "if you don't want this, if i misread the signals... _fine_ , that's on me but we have to draw a line somewhere."

"Do we?" She didn't know what sort of reaction to expect but felt cold when his hand slipped from her leg keeping them at a close but tense distance. She wanted more but didn't want to risk losing his friendship and the two conflicting thoughts sparked a friction that added to the dull ache behind her temples. "Remember when we didn't talk?"

A smile ghosted her lips but the humour was flat and when she reached up he intercepted her hand swallowing a wave of concern. He could see she was in pain which probably should have discouraged him from pushing but instead it only furthered his resolve. He could have lost her again and he wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. "I know it's complicated but I don't want to wait for the next attack or siege, virus, _whatever..._ to wind up with more regrets. I've been there already and trust me, it sucks."

Guilt lodged in her throat confirming she understood but it still didn't change their situation. Even if they agreed to try, to take the risk, there were forces outside of their control that could easily derail any kind of relationship between them. "If the IOA found out-"

"They'd have no jurisdiction here just like the military don't," he cut her off with the technicality, "we're not breaking any rules, this is between us." He wasn't sure the defense would hold much weight if it was put to the test but in the long run it didn't matter. He was prepared to fight and if he wound up back in the field playing babysitter to a group of scientists, there were far worse ways to be demoted. "We've proved that we can put our personal feelings aside... that has to count for something and if it doesn't let's just say there's a least one person in homeland security who's willing to back us up."

Her mouth parted in surprise and she drew her brows together assuming he was referring to General O'Neill. She wasn't sure how Jack had gotten involved, if she even wanted to ask, but having his trust eased some of her doubts. They would never compromise the city's safety, the expedition would always come first and if the General could see as much maybe other people would too. It was something small to hold onto but there was still fear ebbing inside, her own insecurities equally as paralyzing. "I want this, you have no idea how much I... but I can't, I-" she stopped, swallowing the sentence and tearing her gaze away from him.

However the beat of hesitation was all the invitation he needed to change her mind. They'd already waited too long and he cupped her face directing her attention back as he crashed his mouth to her lips. He expected her to tense but she didn't, leaning into the warmth and a shiver ran through his body as she opened up to him. He'd kissed her once before when he'd been inhabited by Thalan but this was different. It was completely and utterly _them_ right down to the trust he could feel beating in sync against his chest. He didn't want to let go but the need for air became pressing and he reluctantly edged back stealing a second to get his bearings. When they came tumbling back he searched her gaze frowning as the color washed from her face. "You okay?"

It felt like an odd question and she smiled, absenting running the tip of her thumb over her lips. She felt good, _amazing_... maybe a little hot, dizzy even-

He caught her as she slumped forward and concern dropped in his stomach until her eyelids fluttered open again. She was conscious but it took a moment for her gaze to settle and focus, two signs she wasn't as fine as she claimed to be. "I don't usually get that kind of reception..." his tone was light but there was still an edge of worry to his voice, "stay here, I'll get Keller."

She grabbed his hand shaking off the rush of embarrassment. The doctor had warned her to take it easy and the thought of explaining what they'd been doing was enough motivation to try and discourage him from leaving. "I'm okay," she offered a smile, teasing him gently to prove her point, "and I'd probably blame a lack of oxygen not the kiss, Kirk."

A breath of laughter rested on his lips but he swallowed it, growing more serious as he fumbled over his guilt, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have... I wasn't thinking."

"No you weren't." She agreed but couldn't keep up the pretense of being annoyed for long. He was right. They needed to acknowledge what was happening between them and she couldn't let fear hold her back. Not when she'd fought so hard overcoming it in the past. "For once though it's the kind of trouble I can approve of."

Surprise washed over his features and he did a double take hoping she wasn't messing with him. "Does that mean you...?"

"Yes." Her heart thudded as the realization of what she'd agreed to flashed in his gaze. The boyish excitement tugged her mouth into a grin but she kept it at bay long enough to err on the side of caution. Like he'd said, they were going to need to draw a line and there was a gentle note of warning to her tone as she released his hand, "we need to be sensible, no rushing into anything... we're not exactly poster people for long haul relationships."

He couldn't argue the fact but a smirk twitched in response, "well neither is McKay, must be something in the water here."

She threw him a smile but it didn't quite reach her eyes. They were risking a lot, everything, and if it didn't work...

" _Hey,_ " he sensed her hesitation and reached up to brush her elbow, "I don't want to screw this up either and if that means taking things slow I'm one hundred percent on-board. It's just me and you, same as always."

The promise drew a genuine smile to her lips and she ducked her head flashing back to a time when friends had been the only future on their cards. "You and me, either way- " she confirmed, humming lightly as he leaned in pressing his lips against hers. It was a brief kiss but his answering grin made her wonder if they would have always ended up finding themselves in each other. She liked entertaining the idea but either way or _either_ way, their reality was far greater than speculation from a lifetime ago.

Their future was together; wherever she went, even if she lost herself along the way... finding him again would always feel like coming home.

-X-

* * *

 **AN: Thank you guys so much for sticking with this! I was going to add an epilogue but I think if fits better leaving it here. Room for a sequel! Love you all 3**


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